Breathe
It's been a while since I've had to remind myself to breathe. Holding my breath as a defense against pain hasn't come up in some time, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it happened today.
Last time I was here, it was November and it was night. I didn't realize you had a key or I would have come up with an excuse to come here before. Of course, once we got here I played coy: It's what I did best. You pretended to look for something while I pretended to care about replacement headlight bulbs and boxes of spark plugs. We played pretend a lot.
I was sitting on this bench when you finally gave up the act and joined me. And it could have been something elicit, a stolen moment in a wildly inappropriate place. Instead, it was a very PG moment in the movie of my boy-girl encounters: one kiss, my hand in yours, and quiet conversation that I can't even remember now. To be fair, I'm not sure I could have remembered it five minutes later, let alone six years. Being with you clouded my mind in the most wonderful way possible.
Sitting on this bench is, for me, worse than spending the night in a cemetery. The shades of my past sting enough on their own, but now they're touched by that most hurtful of phrases: what if.
My chest burns even though I've reminded myself to breathe.
Labels: everyday musings
posted by nicalyse @ 11:36 AM
5 Comments:
Those what ifs are the worst...
Beautifully written Nic, but sorry that you feel in such a way :(
Those what ifs? Since then, I've tried to avoid them, even if some friends just want to shake me for them. :) Phone date soon (look at me, spamming YOUR comments now!)?
What if is the most horrible phrase in the English language, methinks.
I think the greatest lesson I've learned in life so far is that it's infinitely better to regret DOING something than to regret not doing it; those 'what ifs' hurt too much.
And yes, B, we shall have a phone date soon. (Hooray for sanctioned blog spam!)
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