Accidental Ambivalence

Playing the Hand You Get

When Guy From Work (GFW) transferred into the Giant Bookstore where I work last July, I was still a newbie. I was still thinking about not looking like a moron when a customer asked me about a book that I wasn’t yet familiar with, or wanted me to take them to something that I didn’t actually know how to find, so the fact that he was a male within the acceptable age bracket didn’t really register. I knew that I wanted him to find me attractive, but I want most males to find me attractive. I knew that I didn’t want him to think I was annoying or unintelligent, but I don’t really want anyone to think these things about me. It was mid-October when I hit the turning point. Rather, my subconscious hit a turning point.

I am a very deep sleeper, and I’m always rushing when I wake up in the morning, so I rarely remember my dreams. I woke up on that Sunday morning, however, well before the alarm, all worked up over the rather naughty dream I had just had. About GFW and I, pressed up against some books in the children’s section doing wildly inappropriate things. Since I had never really seen him in that light, I had to pause to realize that he was, in fact, rather attractive. I spent that entire day at work alternately avoiding him and trying to put myself discreetly in his way. Basically, my entire work life changed. My clothes, my hair, my makeup – each of this things became markedly more important, as was the attitude I was giving off.

He was a very quiet guy, and not exactly the most friendly looking. The possibilities were numerous. He was shy. He was one of those quietly arrogant men. He was mean. He found me repugnant. You see where I’m going. Still, he would make these quiet little comments that let me know that there was something worth knowing about there, so I continued to observe him from afar.

By spring break in March, I was so exhausted from student teaching and working that had stopped caring what almost everyone at the bookstore thought about me. My attitude sucked and the filter that I had kept so carefully in place for the first six months was completely shot. I was more snarky, more foul-mouthed, and generally more unpleasant. Additionally, I was more inclined to have fun on the weekends as I watched the last few months of my college career slip away into a haze of Romeo and Juliet, mouthy teenage boys, and dressy clothes. One night while a few of us were drinking at Gallagher’s apartment, GFW included, and I had imbibed a bit more than was advisable, I told him about the dream. There was no pretense or shame, and he seemed amused by the entire situation.

From then on, it was fair game. He, Gallagher, and I started spending more time together after her birthday in mid-April, hanging out in bars and our apartments, enjoying alcohol and one another’s company. This was also about the time that he announced that he was returning to his hometown in Arkansas. He wasn’t finding what he was looking for in College Town. My countdown to graduation also became a bit of a countdown for his leaving.

There was a brief interlude between he and Tall Girl, during which I completely removed myself from the mix. Once that ended, I wasn’t entirely sure how to approach the situation, until the night before he was due to complete all of his moving and leave town for good. There was a ridiculous exchange of text messages which ended with the fabulously appropriate, “Let yourself in.”

I did. We enjoyed ourselves, he gave me the best ego boost ever, and we decided that there was no way there could be awkwardness between us in the future. Then I left.

I only wish that he was still in College Town to hang out at the bars. And a little bit for that thing he did....

Labels: boys, flirting, work

posted by nicalyse @ 9:55 AM