Meditations and Conversation Hearts
How do we learn to let ourselves be loved instead of fearing it and running from it? Any expression of so-called "romantic" love has scared me senseless and sent me running - and into hiding. So, it made me think about our generation and how we seem to be feeling about love and relationships and even just saying the word.It isn't a lack of experiencing love that created my fear. My family may be small - very small - but I am loved and always have been. I know that I went through a phase of doubting whether my parents actually liked the person that I was, but I was always certain of their love. I experienced unconditional love from my grandmother, something that I don't believe everyone has the gift of experiencing, something that I'm grateful for every day. This fear also isn't born from a disinterest in receiving attention or a belief that I don't deserve it - of course I do. Then again, I love having the attention of the room, so I suppose this isn't a shock to anyone who knows me.
I'm often surprised by the affection people around me seem to feel for me - and the level of protectiveness that they display. Surprised, yes, and honored and truly flattered. Something about me is memorable and endearing, I suppose, though I'm certainly not able to pick it out.But the idea of love - Love. It appeals...and I'm disconcerted by it. It's perhaps that I don't know how to behave. I understand affection and protectiveness and respect and even admiration, and exactly how one expresses each of those emotions - whether it's deserved or not - but love is foreign. How do you let go and let yourself be loved?
I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't know where the question came from, but I do think that it is an appropriate one to consider in lieu of the impending holiday. And while I loathe all of those "Anti-Valentine's" people - you don't have to celebrate, but do you have to make it unhappy for everyone else? - I have every intention of enjoying my day and telling the people that I love how important they are to me. I will wear underoos with hearts on them and go to a girly movie with a dear friend and take the excuse to eat more chocolate than I would any other day. Any I will try to figure out why I am afraid to look at someone that I love and say the words, why I find it necessary to use the phrase "I heart you," and just how it would feel to have someone else's presence in my bed on a regular basis.
Because, really, I don't think snuggling with felines counts.
Labels: everyday musings, holidays
posted by nicalyse @ 11:32 AM
3 Comments:
I'm not particularly "Anti-Valentine's," but I do think it's a silly, commercialized holiday.
I think it's important to take the time to tell people we love just that, regardless of the day or any type of massacre that may or may not have occurred. Similarly, I don't think people should be rewarded for a less than heartfelt gesture that society dictates is appropriate.
It really isn't easy to let oneself go and be open to the idea of being loved. Not to say that it isn't worth it, though.
Honestly, I know I don't tell you enough just how much you mean to me. And it's true. I do love/heart/adore/admire/like lots you. You shouldn't ever forget that.
I have another quote. This is clearly a subject I think about a lot. *sigh* Sorry in advance for the whiny rant I'm about to go on. I always seem to do this on your lovely little blog. haha. Alright, to the quote:
"You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages."
--Neil Gaiman, The Sandman
I'm afraid of being a hostage. I don't like looking at love that way, but it's so hard not to when you know how easily swept away you can be when you experience it. And it goes right back to that fear of losing it again. I always come back to that. Love fills you up. It makes you believe you're weightless and invincible and it's the kind of thing that can tug at your heart at any given moment, for any given reason, and steal your breath in a way that has you not even minding if you never breathe again.
But when it leaves, and it will leave, you're not weightless anymore. The sudden change has you collapsing. Your bones can no longer support a body now heavy with sadness. Sadness isn't light like love. It's the heaviest of all. You learn you aren't invincible. You hurt. This hurts. You're not going to walk through fire and survive. You're going to burn, just like anyone else. Your heart is still being tugged on, but it's more like a yank now, and when it steals your breath, you want to breathe but can't. You panic. And there's nothing pretty about it.
I don't know, maybe I haven't been on this earth long enough to be able to look at and experience love without feeling fear. Or maybe it's always like this. I don't know. A part of me recoils from the idea of giving myself away to someone so completely that I lose sight of who I am. But maybe there's a way of looking at that idea and seeing beauty instead of fear. Maybe one day it'll be so entirely worth the risk of pain I won't even care if I become hostage to it. I don't know.
I do know, however, that love comes in different forms. And some are wonderful in their simplicity and genuineness. You know I love you lots, Nic. I doubt that's ever going to change. You've been a good friend and a wonderful person to talk to and get to know over these ridiculously small amount of years we've known each other. :) It seems longer somehow. Maybe that's what a good friendship does. Makes the most of time and has your mind fitting an entire decade into just one year. If that's the case, I've greatly enjoyed our 20+ years together. ^_^ Here's to 100 more.
*hugs*
If you can figure it out I hope you share it. I'm at a loss myself.
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