Accidental Ambivalence

Truth Project: One

Something you hate about yourself.

Note: This post is a euphemism-free zone. Sad, because I like euphemisms a lot, but necessary.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I'm a pretty happy person. I have a whole slew of so-called negative qualities - I'm an unforgiving, judgmental, solitary grammar Nazi - that I actually find really amusing. To say that I'm full of myself wouldn't be too far off the mark. All of this means that writing about something I hate about myself is a challenge; I don't really hate anything about me. If I did, wouldn't I be trying to change it? So I started thinking about things I'm not so fond of that I can't change, and I finally came up with something: I'm really self-conscious about myself when I'm asleep.

I know. You're thinking exactly what Bradshaw said when I mentioned this to her: "But...you're asleep."

That's kind of the point. I hate feeling out of control, and you don't get much more out of control than asleep. Combine that with a slew of less-than-attractive sleepytime activities and you get one of the few things that makes me really uncomfortable. The things I've been told that I do in my sleep range from the mundane (light snoring, flailing and kicking) to the potentially interesting (I talk in my sleep sometimes and have been known to insult others, and I once tried to leave my house while sleepwalking). I'm so convinced that I'm hideous when I sleep that I avoid sharing sleeping space with anyone else. In fact, with the exception of Bradshaw, I think the last time I fell asleep in the same bed with someone else was five years ago. And I'm 24 and single.

Since I live alone in a town where there are no potential bed buddies, this isn't something that comes up often, but it has in the past. Memorable moments of avoidance include leaving the bed of a sleeping dude at 6 am (likely coloring the rest of that so-called relationship) and the phrase, "You drove two hours to sleep with your back to me?" (No, I drove two hours to have sex with you and the idea of you watching me sleep makes my skin crawl. But I didn't say that.)

The idea of snuggling is another whole can of worms. I get hot, I worry about my hair being in his face (or mine), and I feel trapped. There's a whole litany of "wrong" things going on if someone is touching me when I'm trying to sleep. I don't consider myself claustrophobic, but someone else being on top of me (remember, euphemism-free zone) when I'm trying to sleep makes me reevaluate. Then, of course, is the sleeping-in-my-makeup guilt and the morning breath concern.

It would be nice to be able to let this go, but I'm not sure I can. For now, unless naughty things are happening, I'm going to limit the occupancy of my bed to one (plus two felines).

Labels: my insanity, truth project

posted by nicalyse @ 12:06 PM