Accidental Ambivalence

One Hundred and Nine Degrees

Sometimes, I can’t help wondering why I develop expectations for others that are, apparently, unattainable. Often they are completely unfounded. For example, I decided back in November, before I made any sort of mention to anyone at all that I was even attracted to him, that GFW would somehow be the answer to all of my hang-ups about being emotionally invested in someone again. Even if this investment was going to be unrequited and from afar, I was certain that it would exist and I was certain that it would somehow change the way that I have been feeling since Iris died.

In a way, I was right. An interest turned into an attraction, which turned into a crush, which turned into a friendship, which somehow turned into lust. And I satisfied that lust, quite neatly if I say so myself. Was it the same idea that I had eight months ago? No, but does that matter? Does it change the fact that I feel a teensy bit prophetic?

What does this have to do with unattainable expectations, you ask. Well, my original expectation was something along the lines of fall-in-love-and-sweep-me-off-my-feet. Was that what I wanted? Not necessarily. Was that the storybook ending that I envisioned? Yes, it was. Rationally, I know that I’m not going to get a storybook ending; quite honestly, I don’t think I even want a storybook ending. It’s old news, and I want to have interesting stories to tell when I’m eighty years old holding my grandchildren hostage at my kitchen table.

When I listen to A Fine Frenzy, I am reminded of certain things. The Christmas season at Giant Bookstore and the toasted marshmallow mocha that was served at the time. Bundling up in my wool coat and leather gloves when it got cold. And GFW, because I was just starting to notice him as I was learning the lyrics to all of the songs. Listening to it today brought all of that back.

It probably always will.

Labels: boys, my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 10:58 AM