Accidental Ambivalence

Cry for Help

I am forever talking myself out of things. Getting out of bed in the morning (just one more snooze, really), not going out on the weekends (I'll regret it if I sit at home again), or pursuing something that I may or may not want.

Three years ago, I was telling myself that it was okay to bide my time. I could wait until he was ready; really, I didn't want to pursue anything until he was ready. I still that's true. However, I will always wonder if he wouldn't have been ready sooner if he'd known that I was waiting for him. Fear of rejections, however, is stronger than logic, than desire even, at least for me. My desire for him was so much more than physical that it hurts to think about it. And after he died, after I had that searingly painful moment of clarity, I swore to myself that I would never, ever put myself in that sort of position again. I would pursue any desire, any want, no matter the consequences. Being rebuked or rejected or ridiculed could never hurt as much as this regret, this all-consuming regret that was crushing me.

So now, every day, I have to wonder if my actions are going to lead to regret. If I go back to ignoring the flicker that I started to let myself feel with Hershey - and yes, at this point, it is little more than a flicker - will I at some point begin to wonder what if? And is that possibility of the what if strong enough to undermine my self-preservational instincts? Not allowing myself to think about him or to be upset by his actions is certainly the response to the instinct to avoid pain.

Is it possible to pursue something without fully investing yourself in it? Rather, is it possible for me to pursue this something without fully investing myself? I know that I can't be completely invested in it without losing my mind, so to a certain extent, it becomes an all-or-nothing situation, doesn't it? I feel like I need some sort of plan beyond waiting to see if he shows up at Piano Bar every Tuesday and then waiting to see if he approaches me to say hello. I'm driving myself quietly insane thinking about it, and I really need someone's input. How exactly do I make this work?

Labels: boys, my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 6:15 AM