Accidental Ambivalence

Facets

Last night, despite the remnants of the head cold that makes me whine and behave as if I'm dying, I went to sit in Starbucks and read. While I was sitting there, my mind wandered. I've always wanted to be that girl who was raised to be very controlled when she expressed herself. There is an appropriate time and place for each emotion and set of behaviors, and to be the kind of person who recognized those and always behaved appropriately is what I often find myself striving for. Of course, not having been raised from birth as someone who recognized this and with no far-reaching consequences if I do not behave perfectly, I'm not as accomplished as I'd like.

I want to be the girl who can carefully arrange her face in any expression, no matter how she feels inside. I want to know exactly what to say in each moment, the exact intonation that will best make the point or maintain the mood that is being conveyed. I often find myself liking characters in books and films who are capable of this; I find myself putting them in my own writing. Instead, I find myself analyzing my behavior in different situations.

At work, I am fairly open. I don't censor my opinions, and when speaking to coworkers, I don't often censor my language. I am confident with myself and my knowledge, and I carry myself in a way that reflects that. I am required to dress well, though I would even if it wasn't required, and that makes me feel more in control of the situation. I find myself able to joke and laugh openly, to be close with different coworkers, to speak as an equal to those who are technically my superiors (I don't truly believe that anyone is superior to me, and I treat everyone in my life with an equal level of respect). I am genuine and comfortable and steady.

The true test of personality, I believe, is being put in situations that aren't entirely comfortable. I will behave in one of two ways, I have learned: either as a meeker, watered-down version of myself, or as a brighter, more exaggerated version. You can always be certain that you are seeing some true facet of my personality. In situations in which I feel like I am trying to prove myself, I tend to be brighter. I am an observer, so I often become quiet, speaking when spoken to or only when I have something that truly contributes to the conversation. By observing, I can figure out the best way to converse with new people - or if I would rather not converse with them.

I am not incapable of acting like someone else, I am simply disinclined. I come from the school that prefers to be disliked for my true self than liked for putting on a very effective act. And yes, I do lie. I occasionally exaggerate; I often downplay. I will give a simple answer even when the truest version is a more extensive version. I will omit information to avoid conflict; I will bring up information to encourage an argument.

Once, I was struck by the realization that I was not entirely happy with the situation that I was in, and that I had become rather sullen because of it. Because she is someone who knows me well and has seen my in a variety of situations, I texted Bradshaw and asked her if I was the girl who brings down the entire group because she wasn't having the fun that she wanted. She told me that rather than bringing down those around me, I tended to simply become quiet and keep to myself. I think I prefer it that way.

Of course, when I'm angry, all bets are off. Sometimes, I find it appropriate to drag down everyone; other times, I just want the person who pissed me off to be just as angry. And I can make it happen. I'm really quite evil deep down inside.

What are your thoughts on the subject, either about your own personality or, if you like, mine? Is there a particular social situation in which you are very uncomfortable? Are you a big fat liar like me? Share: it's the polite thing to do.

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 6:52 PM