Accidental Ambivalence

Change for the Better

So, yes, for the last month or so, Nic has fallen off the face of the blogger planet. I would apologize, but I try not to say that I'm sorry unless I truly am - and I think the break was a good idea. I was starting to be an exceptionally negative person, and since I made a vow back in February to stop being negative on the blog, that meant simply not writing. It took a few more weeks to realize exactly why I was so unhappy, but I think I've gotten there, and now I'm taking steps to rectify the situation.

Three weeks from now, I will be moved back to Small Town. Part of my unhappiness was rooted in this feeling of stagnation. I took a year off after I graduated to figure out exactly what it was that I wanted; it was important to me to make sure that I was going to miss teaching if I wasn't there and to make sure that the place, geographically, that I was would make me happy long-term. I spent the last six months resting on my laurels far too much, and the second I realized that I couldn't do this for another year, I realized that it was too late to feasibly do anything about it. I decided that this school year, I would focus on substituting instead of working at Giant Bookstore. Then the problems with that started to make themselves apparent.

First, I cannot live with the Roommate and attempt to be awake at six every day; our schedules would be too much at odds, and since staying up late is my body's natural rhythm, fighting that natural rhythm while also trying to live with someone else was unrealistic. So, I decided that I needed to live alone again. I cannot afford to live in an apartment by myself on what I make at Giant Bookstore, and to substitute - which is, by nature, unreliable - I would have to reduce those hours. Meaning that I couldn't live alone here in College Town. I felt stuck, so I called my mom. In tears. She reminded me of a very simple option.

Move back to Small Town.

Since my grandmother died two years ago, her house has been sitting empty and untouched. I can live there rent-free and pay only for gas and electric - which will be far more economical in the little house with just me and the felines. There are several nearby districts where I can apply to substitute, including the one that I graduated from and in which I have several former teachers who would write lovely recommendations for me. I'll have free evenings and weekends to maintain a social life . With consistent work, I'll be able to save money. It was a simple, perfect solution that I can carry through in a few short weeks.

And so, I am happy and hopeful again.

The handful of drawbacks that I came up with were nearly all trivial and things that I can work around. The list of benefits was so large that I'm still coming up with new ones, both small and large. Proximity to my parents, more space for Puck and Marilyn to be undisturbed, more free time, less stress, more future career opportunities and time to hone my management skills, more time and space to cook, fewer fast food options that will lead to me being healthier, proximity to cheeseburgers at my parents' restaurant, time to devote to writing (to get some of these ideas out of my head), as much noise or quiet as I want, setting the schedule in my own home, not having to share (remember, I am an only child), cooking on a gas stove, and having satellite television again!

Put simply, I am a very happy girl right now. I keep reminding myself to live in the moment instead of just anticipating what's to come, but that anticipation is so wonderful that it's difficult. I moved some things this weekend, and the strongest thing that I felt when I went into the house was a sense of peace. There is a teensy bit of me that mourns her every time I walk in the door; knowing that my own scent will take over hers and that necessary changes will be made to the space for maintenance and to suit my needs hurts a little. But the larger part knows that if I didn't take this opportunity for those reasons, she would be so dissapointed in me. I cannot imagine ever loving anyone else as much as I loved her, which is a thought that both hurts and is incredible.

Any time that something begins to drive me crazy - an angry customer, disappearing tea, or guilt-tripping - I remind myself that it's just for three more weeks. In three weeks I'll be little more than a glorified baby sitter for mouthy children, a diversifying cook, a dedicated writer, and a spinster cat lady in Small Town.

It sounds gloriously sweet.

Labels: personal growth, updates

posted by nicalyse @ 5:09 PM