Accidental Ambivalence

What I Want

Last night, I reemerged from my self-imposed semi-isolation. That is, I went back to P Bar for the first time since October. I realized two things: One, I really do enjoy being at this particular bar. At a lot of places I find myself really uncomfortable and claustrophobic, and whether it's all in my head or not, I don't feel that way when I'm there. Two, the people you don't expect to notice you - or the lack of your presence - are always the ones who do notice.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to be more aware of myself and my actions. A not-so-gentle reminder of how my father's emotional and attitudinal issues (caused by a rare disease that I also carry) affect the people around him brought my own behavior to the forefront. I never want someone I love to be so frustrated with me that they would consider being away from me, even though they love me. I don't want the me that I am to become the me that people miss when I'm constantly a super bitch. I am the ultimate self-saboteur, and not only is it unhealthy, I'm beginning to be tired of it.

I use my ability to read the majority of people as a means to keep those people away. But what if I'm wrong? What if there is, at some point, more to a person than I see? What if that person is radically different than what I think they are? I don't want to take something that I feel I have been gifted with and twist it so that it makes me life more difficult. There has to be a balance between assuming that I can read everyone all the time and ignoring what my instincts tell me.

I want to be the girl who isn't so guarded that she can't give someone she actually cares about a real hug. I'm working on that one. I started on that one last night, and I figured who better to give a real hug to than the guy who has already seen me naked?

I want to work on listening to what people are actually saying and not immediately assuming that they have sinister intentions, or that they're not being honest or genuine. I want to get to know someone well enough to know how much they lie before assuming that they're always lying.

I want to learn to be more patient, but not in the traditional sense. I want to learn how to be just annoyed or just irritated without flying immediately to fucking pissed off. I want to go more than a few hours without being so angry.

I want to remember what it's like to spend time with people who actually care about me on a regular basis, and how to let my guard down just enough to find those people again. I refuse to believe that I've met everyone in my life who is worth their salt before I'm twenty-three.

I want to remember what it's like not to take so many things personally, because honestly, it isn't about me nearly as often as I seem to think it is. I want to learn how to take a deep breath and roll with it and smile through it.

I want the courage to give someone a gift that I sincerely believe they will appreciate without worrying that they will read something into it that isn't there. I want to be able to be generous and thoughtful without worrying that someone will believe I have ulterior motives.

I want to be the girl that I used to be.

Labels: personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 10:09 AM