Accidental Ambivalence

Journey

I never started blogging for other people to read. My goal at the beginning wasn't for anyone to discover my writing and suddenly become wildly interested in me and what I had to say.

That sounds strange, and for an attention whore like me, unlikely, but it's true. My very first blog post was on livejournal in the summer of 2006. I was mourning and lost and depressed and I didn't feel like I could talk about it. What I could do was write, but somehow it wasn't enough to write in a journal and put it away. So I wrote and posted it online. I think there was something in the idea that someone could read it that was appealing, and something in the fact that it was unlikely to be read that was comforting.

I think forcing myself to tell my story made a difference. And at some point, I decided to move to blogspot and begin writing in the hopes that someone would read it. I wanted to step away from the soul searching introspection and just put myself out there. And for a long time, it seemed like no one read it at all. Maybe no one did.

Eventually I decided that Bradshaw was, in fact, trustworthy, and I gave up a little piece of my anonymity. Part of the motivation to keep the blog a secret from those in my day-to-day life was the freedom to write not-so-nice things about them if I felt compelled. I finally realized that it was extremely unlikely that I would ever feel the need to write not-so-nice things about Bradshaw. I wanted to share this part of myself with her, so I did. I've never regretted that, and in fact I've shared the blog with a handful of other people who matter to me.

But now that I've worked through most of the issues that first prompted me to begin blogging, what is the point of writing now? What is the purpose of my blog? It's more than a place to blow off steam or ramble - handwritten journals are far superior to the internet for that. I want it to be more than a place to share gratitude and quotations and pretty images and my kitchen adventures- though I think those things have a certain value of their own.

It was about two years ago that I started working deliberately to pull myself away from those difficult things that were hanging over my head when I started writing. I began to actively avoid writing negatively to take the power away from those days and those emotions. If we assume that I've "conquered" my grief and negativity, why am I still writing at all?

I don't think the internet needs another make yourself happy/be positive/you're awesome/hooray for gratitude blog. It's been done to death and by people who do it better than I can. There aren't a lot of things I know or do better than anyone else. Maybe the only thing that I know better than you, kitten, is how to teach Romeo and Juliet to a classroom of high school freshmen. I'm still trying to be a better person. Not a poised, self-actualized, perfectly positive karmic goddess: I just want to be happy. I think that maybe the first step on that road is really learning who I am to begin with. Then I can embrace what is good and beautiful, work towards changing what's less-than-fantastic, and learn to love even the unattractive.

This blog is my journey toward being that person. I want to explore and think and read and try different things. I want to experiment and to grow, to learn what works and what doesn't - for me. I want to own my quirks, conquer my fears, and revel in the things that make me happy. I'll stumble and fail and probably get hurt, but I think I'll also succeed and triumph and become a better person for my efforts. Here, I want to share my journey with you and maybe, if you're game, drag you along for the ride.

I'm so glad that you've joined me.

Labels: personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 12:55 AM