Accidental Ambivalence

Power of Persuasion

I've always been a big proponent of the "fake it till you make it" philosophy, to a certain extent. I believe that I can make a bad day suck less, or that I can come across looking completely confident when I'm scared senseless, all due to my personal power of persuasion. The question becomes if the persuasion works or if it merely an illusion that I have convinced myself is real. Is the day really better just because I want it to be, or has my outlook on the still-crappy day changed? Do I really look as confident as I think, or is it simply a big fat act that I've put on for others?

I'm trying to stop drinking Dr. Pepper again. Back in high school, I went six years without drinking any pop - particularly Dr. Pepper, since it is my favorite - and it wasn't a struggle at all. I didn't start drinking it again until after Iris died; it was something of an emotional catharsis, drinking something that he was so fond of. Twisted, but understandable, I know. In an effort to stay away from the carbonated beverage, I keep telling myself that I don't want it. "Nic, you do not want to drink a Dr. Pepper. It is nothing but sugar and bubbles and empty calories. You do not want Dr. Pepper." Of course, I'm pretty sure I still want it.

Thinking about the Dr. Pepper makes me wonder about other things. For example, for the last two and a half years, I've been saying that I don't want a boyfriend. For at least the last two years and three months, I believe I meant that. Now, I'm not so sure. Am I actually pleased with being alone and with having no romantic prospects, or have I simply said it so many times that I've built an illusion for myself in which the statement is true. And, of course, bringing this up to myself opens a whole can of worms. The biggest, fattest worm wriggling around is the idea that I might actually want someone else - when there is no one around. I think this is too much for Monday afternoon.

Labels: my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 4:25 PM