Realization
What do you do when you realize that some part of you is broken? A natural, important, inherent part of what you consider to be essential to being a girl just isn't there?I haven't had a real, honest-to-goodness crush on a boy since Iris died. That was two and a half years ago. I haven't allowed myself to get close enough to someone to know them well enough to be that truly attracted to them. I've been physically attracted to guys. I've preened for boys. I've even been known to say that I had a crush on one of them - think GFW - but the fact is, none of the people I've met or spent time around in the last couple of years has given me butterflies in my stomach.
Just like I miss kissing boys and sleeping with boys and playing with boys, I miss getting butterflies in my stomach when I see that boy. I almost miss that tortured feeling with that boy doesn't seem to care that I exist (because really, do they ever care that I exist).
Maybe I need to look into ways to create artificial butterflies.
Labels: boys, everyday musings, flirting
posted by nicalyse @ 8:08 PM
3 Comments:
Yeah, I definitely haven't had a real crush in...god, I can't even remember how long. I dunno. I miss them, but I don't. I like getting excited and feeling all fluttery, but the torture part and agonizing over every tiny little thing....THAT I don't miss so much. So if they do end up making artificial butterflies, they should chuck all the not so fun parts.
Also, they should make a freaking teleport while they're at it. Just cause I'm tired of waiting.
*sigh*
You know the saying "The grass is greener on the other side" - it totally applies to my experiences with crushes. For about two years I didn't like anybody - keep in mind this was at when I was about twenty - and I desperately missed that feeling. Then WHAM! I have a crush - and I'm absolutely miserable, wishing I could just forget this boy.
So basically what I'm saying - boys suck, you can't live with them and you can't live without them.
*sigh*
Now I'm fucking depressed.
^^I totally agree with Spiff. Seriously.
Crushes can go to hell for all I care. But I do understand what you're trying to say. And I can fully appreciate that desire.
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