Accidental Ambivalence

Stunted

Clearly evidenced by the post below this one from the wee hours of the morning, I lost it last night.

The night, honestly, didn't even start that well, despite how cute I was (and yes, I know I was cute last night) and the fact that I was looking forward to the evening. I feel like I need to give P Bar a break because I cannot go to P Bar without wondering if Hershey is going to walk in the door. Uncharacteristically, in the last month, he hasn't. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being deliberately avoided; Gallagher thinks he's avoiding her, so now I find myself wondering if we're both self-centered or just hypersensitive. Why I want to see him is beyond my intellect. I think that I just want a chance to show him that I'm not insane, and since I have a problem with proving myself otherwise via text message, I feel like we're going to have to be in the same room and having a conversation for me to get beyond this.

I'm sick of looking at the book on top of the shelf next to my desk. I want to return it to him so I can stop thinking about it. The rational part of my mind knows that I need to just Let. This. Go.

As I was sitting there between a selfish, flighty Gallagher and the guy Legs is dating (who is really quite sweet and charming; I'm jealous), I disconnected. I feel so dis-invested in these people that I don't know what to do. So, I pulled out my phone and began to text someone who was outside of the circle. And by the end of the night, I received the following message:

Seriously. I want to date you. I want to be fuck buddies with you. Hell, I just want you. But I've lived a lot of life.

I've mentioned him before, briefly, as a guy I work with and flirt with. I don't know much, but I know that he is significantly older than I am and that I feel no physical attraction. I know that neither of us is happy right now. I know that I don't have a good answer for what he said to me, and that if he's at work when I get there today, I am going to pretend like none of the conversation we had last night ever happened.

I feel like I'm so far gone that I don't even know which way is up, let alone which way is north and how to get back to the center. Beyond spending time with myself again, I don't know what to do. So, beyond spending time with myself again, I will do nothing.

Labels: losing it

posted by nicalyse @ 10:28 AM