Accidental Ambivalence

Truth Project: Four

Something you have to forgive someone for.

I committed myself to being honest with this project, which is why this particular prompt took so long to answer. The thing is, I don't think there's anyone I have to forgive for anything. Like I said in the last prompt, I think forgiveness is overrated, and even when it's deserved it's something I struggle with. Holding grudges is exhausting, and it's not something I do often, but I'm far more likely to let go than to forgive.

I could forgive the former friend who failed to tell me that she signed a lease on an apartment with someone else the week that my Grandma died, three weeks after Iris died. The same friend who was planning to room with me the next year, who I don't remember speaking to once since the day Iris died. I've let that go though, and now feel indifferent about her.

I could forgive the professor who taught my final methods course in college for making me question my career choice (to the extent that, had it not been my final semester of classes, I would have changed my major) and my own abilities. I've never encountered another person who made me feel worse about myself than that woman. I do not forgive her.

I could forgive my aunt and my maternal grandmother for treating my mom and my grandma like dirt; while my aunt certainly knew better, more of my ire is directed at the grandmother, henceforth known as The Bitch. The Bitch made my mom feel awful, which I find deeply upsetting, but more than that, she hurt my Grandma, her mother. Attempting to guilt an 80-something-year-old woman is disgusting. It's upsetting to me that I share genetic material with this woman. I absolutely do not forgive her. Instead, I choose to ignore her existence.

If forgiveness is divine, what does it mean when you make the choice not to forgive? Is it evil, or just a mark of true humanity? And is that question philosophical or theological? And can you tell that I've been reading about Egyptian mythology too much today?

Labels: truth project

posted by nicalyse @ 3:18 PM