Accidental Ambivalence

Confessions of a Worrywart

I’m going to tell you a little secret: I worry far more than I let on. It’s the worst when I’m lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep, and all I can think about is whether or not my dad sent the check to hold my classes for next semester, whether I really locked the door*, if I’ll wake up when my alarm goes off, and what I’m going to do if my mom doesn’t check her email in time for me to order my dad’s gift online. I let things gnaw and eat at me, and I do it all in silence. I present myself to others as being carefree and supremely unconcerned about the things going on in the world, but deep down inside, I’m a huge worrywart.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m an insomniac, and that’s unfortunate since I don’t give myself much time to sleep to begin with. My last serious bout of insomnia was about a month ago. My final payment of the semester was due on November 15th, and late that afternoon I received an email telling me that my payment hadn’t been sent. If my payment wasn’t received by 4 PM that day (it was after 5), I would be dropped from the classes I had registered for next semester. I called my dad frantically, because he was supposed to have it paid. His response: “It’s the fifteenth?”

I almost had a conniption. And what makes this even worse was that his birthday was the next day—like he really didn’t know the date!

That night I was so concerned about getting up and getting to campus early to give them a check, and so intensely angry at my father for forgetting, that I could not fall asleep to save my life. I got in bed around three and I distinctly remember seeing the clock at 5:36. This was after I had gotten up, wandered around my apartment, played a mindless online game, given myself a headache, and tossed and turned for longer than I ever care to.

All of this can be traced back to, in some ways, Ms. Sizzle. She posted her horoscope and commented on its accuracy, and while mine are usually terribly inaccurate, I still felt compelled to go read it. I am a reader of the ho’scopes**, and occasionally they are applicable to me. Today’s said:

Instead of focusing on all the things you need to do and the people you need to see today, keep your eyes on the end of the day, when you will have the time you need to connect with someone special (if you want to). Too many details can distract you from what really matters. If you simplify your life, you can dramatically reduce your stress level. This isn't a case of burying your head in the sand -- it's a case of simply choosing not to worry.

First of all, who is this “special person” that they speak of? Liars. I digress.

It’s all semantics when you think about it. Ignoring the worries would require, for me, burying my head—it couldn’t be accomplished any other way. At the same time, would it really be so terrible if I could learn to let go? Maybe that will be my tacky, quickly ignored new year’s resolution.

*This is a ridiculous thing to think about since I lock the door each and every time I enter the apartment. It’s always locked, so why do I worry when I’m in bed? Because I’m in bed and my brain doesn’t know how to shut the hell up, that’s why.

**A term coined by the lovely Ms. O and me.

Labels: my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 10:33 AM