Accidental Ambivalence

Torn

There are times when, despite what I know intellectually, I feel the urge to do something that is incredibly bad for me. Not like eating that piece of cheesecake or taking the third tequila shot - something that is bad for me emotionally or spiritually. And what is the worst about these moments is that I'm not sure which part of my psyche is trying to trick me. Is it the emotion, lonely and craving a change? Is it the libido, demanding attention and affection? Or, on a less sinister level, is it my intuition, trying to make me realize that this person is someone who actually should be in my life? Whichever piece of me it is, it's fucking with me in a way that is potentially self-destructive, and I am not a fan.

So when I left Spark's house tonight after baking cupcakes and playing Wii, I ignored the voice that told me to contact him, to be the bigger person and mention that I was going to a party on Saturday night and he was welcome to come if he didn't already have plans. I ignored that voice because, whatever attraction beyond the physical - for I will never deny the physical attraction - that I had begun to carry for Hershey, the fact is that he slept a girl who has herpes, and there is no way that I could trust him physically again. It's a bad idea on so many levels that it's easier to avoid him.

And so I ignore the voice that tells me to invite him to the party or to put myself in a situation where I will be in his way or to ask him if he ever had a chance to read Man in the Dark - I ignore that voice as a means of self-preservation and instead sit here wondering, torn between being proud of myself for having the self-control and berating myself for not finding out for sure and allowing another what if.

*Photo from Finally Seeing - see the sidebar, kittens.

Labels: boys, my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 2:06 AM