Accidental Ambivalence

Introspection and Updates

The weather this time of year is the sort of thing that I could live with for months, but only lasts for a few weeks (damn global warming). I feel compelled to go for a walk or sit outside and read while drinking coffee or even just nap with the windows wide open.

I sometimes feel torn between the two sides of my personality. I am an extrovert who very much enjoys being busy and spending time with people and having lots of plans. I am also someone who is very comfortable alone and enjoys some downtime and quiet. For some reason, I always feel like I cannot have both at the same time, but not exactly in a literal sense. I'll go for a few weeks with plans every night, going to dinners and having drinks and feeling restless in the moments when I'm not busy, then suddenly I'm done. I'll spend a few weeks staying home each night, cooking and baking and reading and watching DVDs and usually not missing what's going on outside. It feels weird to me to have plans two or three nights a week and stay home the rest of the time, or to stay home all week and go out for a night or two. It's all or nothing, one extreme or the other.

Currently, I'm in a busy mode. As such, I feel very little inspiration to write anything of substance for the blog. Most of the substance comes from being alone and thinking and needing an outlet. Maybe that's why I go back and forth; quiet time is more emotionally taxing while busy time is more physically so.

This morning I had breakfast with a boy that the Roommate set me up with. He is a very nice boy. Smart, funny, capable of having a conversation without awkward moments, and attractive. Sounds perfect, and probably is on paper, but there's just one teensy problem: I'm not attracted to him. I feel no urge for physical contact; I do not want to tear his clothes off. Roommate told me that wanting to rip the clothes off was important, but Spark said it better: if you don't want to jump them, you're just friends.

So maybe he will be a great friend. I know that I don't want to string him along, and it's not fair to date him and be thinking about sleeping with someone else. Maybe it's simply time for me to go back into quiet time and stay home. I have a stack of books (and I'm not allowed to buy more until I've read at least half of them), a new embroidery project, an untouched skein of yarn for crochet, an expectation for more chocolate Guinness cupcakes, and a very full Netflix queue.

Sometimes I think I need something to remind me to breathe.

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 2:18 PM