Accidental Ambivalence

Being Self-Centered

A month or so ago, I decided that I wasn't satisfied with being alone. I wanted someone to share my time and, at a very basic level, to care. I know that people care about me; I know that there are a handful of people who care deeply about me. Despite that, the people who care cannot always be right there when you want them (though I have been remarkably blessed with people who will be right there when I need them). And, for those moments, I decided that I wanted someone else around. Also, I'll be honest, for the very basic fact that I often crave physical contact with another that cannot be satisfied by the likes of the lovely Bradshaw or Spark - much as I adore them.

I mentioned this desire to find someone casually to the Roommate, who followed right along by setting me up with the roommate of one of her coworkers. I didn't feel a spark at the initial meeting, but I didn't want to read too much into it. We went on a date - a breakfast date that was a lot of fun - and it still wasn't there. Despite the fact that he is extremely nice, very intelligent, and attractive (one of my coworkers who saw us at breakfast has berated me for not dating "the hot guy"), it simply wasn't there. I told him so, and have since moved on without looking back. I don't second-guess my decision, which is how I know that I made the right one. As I'm sure you've noticed, I second-guess everything that may have emotional repercussions (although I never, ever second-guess my answers on tests).

After this experience, I realized that part of my reluctance was in changing my routines. Not even my routines, exactly, but the fact that I am not answerable to anyone. Perhaps there was no one who cared what I spent my Sunday doing, but it also meant that there was no one to judge me for going to the library and watching eight episodes of Gossip Girl on my computer, and no one questioning whether my solitude was a sign of my displeasure with them or with my own life. And it wasn't.

I am very content to be alone right now. I am filling my days with books - trips to the library and to bookstores and sitting in coffee shops reading the books that I acquire. I have Netflix movies to watch and an endless supply of television shows that I can find online. I have blogging projects and writing projects and I'm challenging myself to improve my photography skills. I get to take up the entire bed if I like, and if I do feel the need to snuggle with someone, I have two cats who are usually happy to oblige. I can stay up until 5 am watching Mulan or reading an article on the scandal at an all girls' school in Vanity Fair. I can spend all day getting ready just to go to the store or I can decide that I'm ready to run errands in fifteen minutes. This aloneness gives me a freedom that I'm not ready to trade away; no one has given me a good enough reason to let go of myself in that way.

I haven't been terribly happy for the last several weeks, and that is unacceptable. I did very well earlier this year and I want very much to get back to that place. So that, now, is my goal: My own complete and utter happiness. And, as I am still learning, I am the happiest when my time is as full or as open as I want it; when the decision to stay at home cleaning the kitchen and dancing around to "Stripper" by the Soho Dolls isn't something that I'm made to feel guilty about. The freedom to choose all of these things isn't something that I can count on having forever, so I intend to make the most of it now.

I am, from this moment, rededicating myself to my own happiness. I am going to surround myself with things that are beautiful to read and to hear and to look at and to taste. I am going to surround myself with people who make me laugh and feel loved, and who I love in return. I am going to take control of situations that are making me uneasy - speaking up may not affect change, but not speaking up certainly won't. I am going to write down the things that make me happy and I am going to do my damndest to let go of things that don't. And when I begin to feel unhappy, I will remind myself that no one can make me feel any way without my consent - even as I gag at myself for thinking such a sappy cliché.

And everything will be beautiful.

Labels: personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 2:31 PM