Accidental Ambivalence

A Warm Day in January

We had particularly odd weather this winter, the kind of weather that proved to me that global warming is indeed occurring and that living in Missouri guarantees climate confusion. The day I decided that it was time for tattoo number three, it was early January and was over seventy degrees. Tall Girl called and asked if I would accompany her to get her first tattoo, explaining that she knew that, already having tattoos, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and would make sure that she didn't hyperventilate or burst into tears. I didn't bother telling her that I could guarantee neither of those things.

After I watched the gentleman tattoo the star on her wrist, I realized that it was time for the tattoo that I had been considering for two years. When Iris died, I knew immediately that I wanted to get a tattoo for him. I also knew that making a hasty decision wasn't a good idea; it isn't like me and I would hate to have another regret to add to the list I had only just begun. I instituted the five-year wait, but after only two, I knew it was what I wanted.

Tall Girl and I left the establishment, she pleased with her new mark and me contemplating the one that I wanted. It was a burning in the back of my throat as we ate lunch, a feeling that I just couldn't put into words. I asked her if she would be upset if I decided to get mine that day. I didn't want to steal her thunder - it was her first, after all - but I knew, somehow, that it was time. She assured me that she was fine with it, and while I didn't actually believe her, I chose to pretend that I did. Selfish though it may have been, it was time to do what I felt was right.

I knew I just wanted his initial. I knew the style I wanted it done in, and finding it in the book took only a few moments. I also knew that I wanted it behind my ear, both as a demonstration of what that area had meant to the two of us - together - and to show the level of discomfort that I would endure to show my love. Whether anyone else recognizes what that took, to allow someone to be that close to my ear without flinching away, I'm not sure.

As the needle moved over my skin, injecting the ink that would, in a certain way, permanently mark me as his, I found it difficult to breathe. Not because of the pain or the discomfort of having someone that close to my sensitive ears, but because I could feel him there with me. He might as well have been sitting on my chest. Both Tall Girl and the artist asked me if I was okay, and I lied. Of course I was fine. Physically, yes, I was fine. The pain, though I knew it was there, barely registered, and the discomfort from having someone near my ear was nominal. My heart, however, felt as though someone was squeezing it in both fists, trying to see how much I could endure before it shattered.

So far, I'm fine. Of course I'm fine.

Labels: boys, must-read

posted by nicalyse @ 9:08 AM