This is Me...
I am in the process of trying to be a happier person. I am focusing on being positive rather than negative, controlling my short temper, increasing my patience, reducing my complaining, and doing things that make me smile - or that make other people smile.It took almost three years, but I think I might be getting to a point where I'm no longer mourning Iris. I miss him. I love him. I wonder, still, what would have happened if things had been different. I also feel like I'm at a point where I can accept that I'll never know. He's gone and there is no way to know whether the two of us could have been happy - if we even could have been together - or if it always would have been the "relationship that might have been."
In turn, I feel like a cloud has been lifted. My life is far from perfect; I am far from perfect. But I'm realizing that I can be content with what I have, and that I can not only make the most of that, but I can make it more, make it richer. By relaxing and enjoying what I have and the people who are around me, my life feels far more full than it does when I'm lamenting the lack of a snuggle partner or how much customers can suck.
All along, I've known, intellectually, that my life could certainly be worse. Of course, knowing something and feeling something are very different things. Now, I'm beginning to feel like I have enough, even if I don't have it all. I would like to have a big fluffy bed (or any bed) and some curtains and a double in pay and a big soup pot and great sex whenever I want it and a bigger tv and more books and a housekeeper.
In spite of all those things that I want, I have a lot. I have a handful of amazing friends that I love, parents who care about me more than anything (the perks of this only child stuff), a steady job, two wonderful fluffy snuggle buddies, the means to buy gifts for those people I love, pretty eyes, decent health, a caffeine addiction, and lots of lovely time to myself. To take all of that for granted for as long as I have...well, that sucks. So now I'm going to take more time to reflect and be grateful and take a deep breath and exercise my patience.
This is me trying to grow, take it or leave it.
Labels: personal growth
posted by nicalyse @ 11:32 PM
3 Comments:
I take it. I'll always take it. Which sounds dirty, and I know, leave it to me to make something serious and sentimental dirty, but hey, that's why you love me. For reelz.
Good for you, hun. I mean it. And I wish you luck in your growing. :)
I love the way you phrased so many things in this. Beautiful! I've felt so many of those things myself and I strive every day to look for the positive. And it gets easier. I'm not trying as hard as I used to have to.
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