I Hate Coming Up With Titles
Today, driving through Small Town to pick up lunch, I was reminded of the life that I once wanted to live. I planned to go to school in College Town and get my teaching degree while going back and forth between here and there. I was supposed to be dating Iris, and in that fantasy, we married shortly after I graduated. We would build a house away from the rest of his family - they are extensive - and would very quickly become the golden children (since I wouldn't have been pregnant at 19, like his sister, or 15, like his sister-in-law). I would teach at the high school and coach cheerleading, and we would grudgingly attend church each week to appease his family. We would attend large, busy family dinners with his family and quiet, peaceful meals with my parents. We would have our first child within the first year or two of our marriage and we would be blissful.There was a part of me that believed I would return to Small Town right up until Iris died. At that point, I think I knew that being here would not only be too painful, but too limiting. I began to really get to know the city in which I lived, and since my grandmother had passed away, I had far less incentive to come home on a regular basis.
Now, while I enjoy my time here and relaxation that it brings, it only takes about a week before the quiet becomes very loud and I start to go stir crazy. There is a lot of freedom in living in College Town, even if I'm not in college any longer. There's a level of anonymity and far more possibility than can ever exist in Small Town; I cannot now imagine being this age and living here unless I was already married and "settled." Otherwise, how would I fill my time? How would I be able to socialize and make new friends and meet that guy that I'm now willing to let into my life?
I believe that there are two kinds of people: those who are happy where they are and those who feel compelled to get away. I never felt like I needed to get away, and I don't feel like I need to leave College Town now, a compulsion that most of my peers seem to feel keenly. I am very much a girl who is happy where she is. Perhaps you can even say that I dislike change. As the majority of the people I am close to either leave or plan to leave, I realize two things. First, I'm weird to be this age and at this place and be perfectly comfortable where I am. Second, I am attracted to those restless people who must have change. Perhaps that's a self-preservational sort of thing; I don't tend to keep in touch with people who leave, and when people are around too long I nearly always find a flaw and begin to detest them.
Who are you? What are your thoughts on who I am? Are you tired of me writing introspective blog posts yet? And, really, do you think I'm going to stop?
I am really very charming.
Labels: everyday musings, Small Town
posted by nicalyse @ 2:20 PM
4 Comments:
I can't help but wonder if I should restrain our friendship due to the knowledge that you'll probably detest me soon and I'll have lost another friend. I hope that doesn't happen, but I can't give you the level of friendship I would like because you keep imbedding this feeling of impending doom upon what we share. And I don't think you're weird to be content. This is a good town and there are a lot of benefits to being here.
Here's what I think. I think those flaws in people, the ones that cause you to detest them, the ones that make you not keep in touch with them when they leave, are ones that were always there. I think that when they come to light, be it 2 months or 2 years into the friendship, you know that you can't handle that influence in your life. I think it is a very similar practice to what newly "in love" folk do. You see selectively. This is by no means a bad thing.
Here's the kicker. As a prime example of someone you have not stopped being in contact with once I left, I know that there are ways around this facet of your personality. And I'm not saying it's a bad facet. It saves you a lot of unnecessary heartache. I've watched it in action. But what I do know, keeping in mind that I've known both you and Spark for years, is that she doesn't have anything to be worried about right now. She's past the point where you usually find something wrong and detest someone. And I can tell you with nearly 100% assurance that you probably won't find it. She is one of the most genuine people I've ever met.
What I have noticed about you is that the people you've become closest to (me, Spark, etc) are people who have been through situations where they've lost close friends due to one thing or another. I think knowing that they know how hard it is to not be close with someone they used to be close to is a similarity that helps your friendships. Because when people have lost friendships, it is much easier for them to admit when they're wrong, to apologize, and to try to do anything to keep that connection alive.
I think you and I are very similar in that we need from a friendship what we put into it and more. You've done that for me. And I think because of that, and because I'm stubborn as hell and have been around for almost 5 years now (holy smokes!), that you'll still keep in touch with me. Even if I do stay three hours away.
You've said it yourself, we talk way more than normal people who live that far apart.
As for me, well, I think I'm just going to have to give that some more thought. Maybe post my own introspective blog about it.
And no I don't think you'll stop. Nor do I think you should.
It's your blog and you can say what you want to.
(And now I'm singing in my head)
I'm the person who wants to get away and will get away, thinking it will make me happier, even though I know it probably won't. But at least I'm... aware of it? I dunno. rofl. And I'm the worst at keeping in touch with people. I let them slip away. And it's entirely my fault. And I'm also completely aware of that. But that's cause I'm fucked up and have this unhealthy compulsion to be alone. It's very rarely because I've found a fault with that particular person and don't want to be around them anymore.
And I agree. It's your blog. Introspect the shit out of it if you want. XD
(I'm charming too).
You are ridiculously charming!
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