Accidental Ambivalence

Learning to Live

I've never been a lonely person. As an only child, I learned early how to entertain myself. I read, watch movies, write, browse the internet, cook or bake, go for drives. I am far more likely to become restless when I spend time alone than I am to become lonely. And while there are some moments when I do feel lonely - because I am human, after all - they are few and far between. Perhaps it is judgmental of me, but I've always felt that people who feel the urge to constantly be surrounded by people are somehow lacking, as if they don't know how to enjoy their own company enough to be happy alone.

I have been known to use the word damaged to describe myself, and I think that, for a time, that was an accurate expression of the way that I felt. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong after Iris died, and I wasn't sure how to fix it. I can now see that it wasn't something that I needed to fix, but something that I needed to learn how to live with. I think I have, and that I can now call myself a happy person. I'm content with who I am and happy with my life.

That I am not lonely, however, does not mean that I always enjoy being alone or that I always want to be alone. In fact, I've been thinking lately that it might be nice to have some company, some attention, some affection. Someone to be my guinea pig when I try a new recipe or to run to the store when I forget the eggs for the cupcakes. Someone to share the pizza and beer. Someone to watch movies in bed on Sunday morning. Someone to give me a hug when I need it and a kiss when I want it.

I am realizing that I am ready to move on, to allow someone to get to know me. I'm lowering the shield, just a tiny bit for now, and I'm hoping that it's enough and that I don't end up hurting because of it. I want to be open to taking chances, this time with my mind, or maybe my heart, instead of just my body. I want to encourage someone who finds me charming. I want a chance to get used to sharing my bed with someone besides Bradshaw. I want to feel my heart flutter at the touch of someone's hand on my arm again.

I suppose some might call be superstitious. I use reverse psychology on the Universe, I make wishes at 11:11, and if I really feel something, I often keep it to myself until I simply can't stand it. But right now, I think it will be helpful to say it out loud, so to speak, to let it be known to at least someone that I am willing to open myself to the possibility. I am ready.

Labels: personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 12:53 AM