Because I Am Not a Stupid Girl*
Lately, I've been letting events that are stupid make me feel like I am somehow a promiscuous person; I have been feeling slutty. So, to clear things up, more for myself than for the rest of you people out there, proof that I am not a slut.I was seventeen the first time I kissed a boy. Four months later, I had sex with him. We were not "together." We weren't even dating. In fact, I spent the next two-and-a-half years in a really twisted, strange situation with him. It wasn't until Iris died that I realized just how awful the whole thing was for me and stopped it.
I have had two one-night stands, though one was with a person I didn't know from Adam and the other way someone that I knew reasonably well. These are the only two other people I have ever slept with. The first one I chalk up to inexperience and the necessity of making stupid mistakes. The second one I am, admittedly, a bit proud of. I knew what I wanted and I went for it.
If I felt like counting, I could remember and give you a number of the boys that I have ever kissed - not made out with, kissed. This number remains in the single digits at my age of twenty-two.
I am kind of a tease. I am definitely a flirt. My feelings about my ears are well-documented, and I am a fan of having my hair pulled. I may look delicate, but I'm not, so don't you dare treat me like I am.
I have been in love, though I have never told someone that I loved them. I have no way of knowing if anyone has ever been in love with me, for I have not heard the words. I have been in lust; I have slept with someone at a time when I absolutely hated him. I still feel like I'm only about half of a real person.
I am not sorry that I kissed him. I am sorry that it bothers you. I would - and if the opportunity arises, probably will - do it again. You said it was okay and I am choosing to believe the words.
And, with this sentence, I will stop being a stupid fucking girl.
*Alternatively titled Because I Am Not a Slut. Alternatively titled A Running Tab on Nic's Sex Life.
Labels: boys, my insanity
posted by nicalyse @ 1:41 AM
2 Comments:
I was seventeen when my first kiss happened too! Hah.
And you are not, nor have you ever been in the time I've known you a "stupid fucking girl." But I do understand the 'thinking you are one' thing, because I've done it before too.
Also, I totally think you should make out with him again. Cause making out is fun times. xD
I'm so serious, compared to me, you don't have to worry about being a slut. I don't remember the number of people I kissed in one night. Granted, that has happened on more than one occasion. Thank you alcohol.
Be that as it may, because you are letting it bother you, it is evident that you are human. But like I said last night, being silly about it. That kind of overanalysis and stress is supposed to be just about boys. ;)
And I'm with Bizz. Makeout with him again. If for nothing but letting me live vicariously.
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