Truth Project: Seven
Someone who has made your life worth living for.I don't like this. The only person who can make your life worth living is you, and when you start relying on others for your purpose, it's only a matter of time before it falls apart.
So instead, I choose to write about someone who has made my life better for being in it.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have good parents. My mom was one of those people who grew up with a terrible mother, and that's something she still carries with her. As much as she's moved past it, it's still there. She was, however, lucky enough to have an amazing grandmother, my Grandma. I'm grateful to Grandma for being who she was for me, but even more for being who she was for my mom. She made my mom the woman she is.
More than I love my mom, I sincerely like her. I feel lucky to be friends with my mom, because I know how selective she is with her friends. It's pretty great.
Labels: truth project
What You Want
Labels: image, inspiration
Things I Love Thursday
Happy Thanksgiving, lovelies! Since I missed TILT last week, we get a super-awesome Thanksgiving edition today!
Deliciousness Let's start by celebrating the gluttony of this most excellent of holidays. Turkey, mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts with bacon, cranberry sauce. My excellent sugar-free pumpkin pie (for my grandpa, though it's pretty fantastic even if it is sugar-free). Ooo, and the leftovers. I like leftovers quite a lot.
Glee I'm a total sucker for...well, everything
Glee is. Teen dramedy, clever cruelty, fun musical numbers. Add in a revolving door of excellent guest stars and Nic becomes a happy girl. Oh, and I started listening to their Christmas album, which makes me happier than almost anything. Ever. For serious, kittens.
Sparkles As part of the massive Sephora order my mother and I made, I chose two season nail polishes with sparkles. One, called Merry Me, has a ton of red glitter and is perfect for toenails (I kind of feel like Dorothy Gale every time I look down). The other, called 212, is gray with bronze and iridescent flakes in it. It's good for looking at when you get bored because your dad insists of watching episodes of The Lone Ranger while you wait for Thanksgiving dinner to finish. Yes, I can get this much enjoyment out of something as simple as glittery nail polish.
Side dishes sleeping in; Hershey's candy cane kisses; homemade pizza; Puck snuggles; substituting for kids whose parents I know (do you have any idea how effective it can be to look at a kid and say, "I have your mom's number in my phone, and I can make sure she knows how you've been acting today"? So great.); my mom's chili; finally saying it; sleeping in; pomegranate Jelly Belly jelly beans and the fact that my mom got them for me; the bambinos and their sweetness; online shopping; spending $350 at Sephora with my mom (before the 20% discount - excellence); sugar scrubs; strange text conversations (talking fragrance with Hawk = strange); using my imagination; thinking about baking Christmas cookies; the soundtracks from
Spring Awakening and
Wicked; taking the time to enjoy my coffee in the morning instead of sucking it back because I'm desperate for caffeine; blue raspberry slushes; getting showered and presentable-for-public-viewing (don't be dirty) in less than an hour - this almost never happens; sleeping off migraines; "You look really different today."; thinking of dozens more things to add to this list, but stopping so that I can instead go eat dinner.
Tell me, kittens, what are you thankful for this year?
Labels: TILT
Truth Project: Six
Something you hope you never have to do.This, like the last truth project prompt, could be an entire list, but I'll restrain myself.
I've learned, the hard way, that
what if is the most hateful, hurtful phrase in the English language. The pain of wondering has to be worse than the pain that could be associated with finding out.
For almost five years, I've been saying that I didn't realize I was in love with Iris until I found out he'd died. I've been lying. To everyone else, and even to myself a little. I knew. I'm not sure how long, but I know I knew. And I was afraid. Of so many things.
I don't know exactly when I fell for him. I do, however, know the first time I acknowledged it. I was sitting in the exact same spot that I'm sitting right now, typing this. It was a Friday morning and I was home for the weekend, hanging out with Grandma like I always did. My mom called to tell me that Iris had been in an accident, had been life-flighted to College Town (the nearest large hospital). And I remember thinking that if he died, he'd never know.
I spent that weekend lying to myself, convincing myself that he'd be fine. I knew better. Because sometimes, you just know. And around 12:15 that Monday afternoon, right after eating lunch with a friend and telling her how I knew that Iris was going to be okay, I got the phone call that made me a liar. I fell apart.
Nothing has ever hurt so much. It hurt, physically. More than anything I've ever felt. More than a burn or a cut or an airbag to the face. I've never cried like that, before or since, literally sobbing. Those first few minutes were the worst of my life. Bradshaw was there; I called her and I think, in that moment, our friendship became absolute.
There are so many things tied up in Iris. Moments and emotions and fears and scars. The overarching theme, however, is
what if. Never, ever again, please.
Labels: truth project
Shadow
Labels: quotation
Truth Project: Five
Something you hope to do in your life.I kind of find this prompt absurd. Doesn't everyone have an enormous list of things they want to do and see and accomplish? Mundane, special, unrealistic, nearly inevitable, nearly impossible?
I want to inspire someone to change her life. I want to finish a novel and be published. I want to be recognized as an excellent baker. I want to actually manage to keep my house clean. I want to have a library in my home. I want to remodel my bathroom so I have a tub. I want to be seen as an excellent teacher. I want to live up to expectations. I want to have my name on a plaque as a major donor to my local library. I want to finish reading
Atlas Shrugged. I want to go to England and explore by myself. I want to be in love with someone without it being a tragedy. I want to figure out how to have perfect skin. I want to teach mythology. I want to build a perfect wardrobe. I want to be a
New York Times bestseller. I want to grow masses of tulips and hydrangeas. I want to decorate my house so that it looks like
me when you walk in. I want to make the right decisions about marriage and children. I want to build a reality that's better than my fantasies.
I want to be half as wonderful as my grandma was. Just half as wonderful would be enough.
Labels: truth project
Truth Project: Four
Something you have to forgive someone for.I committed myself to being honest with this project, which is why this particular prompt took so long to answer. The thing is, I don't think there's anyone I have to forgive for anything. Like I said in the last prompt, I think forgiveness is overrated, and even when it's deserved it's something I struggle with. Holding grudges is exhausting, and it's not something I do often, but I'm far more likely to let go than to forgive.
I could forgive the former friend who failed to tell me that she signed a lease on an apartment with someone else the week that my Grandma died, three weeks after Iris died. The same friend who was planning to room with me the next year, who I don't remember speaking to once since the day Iris died. I've let that go though, and now feel indifferent about her.
I could forgive the professor who taught my final methods course in college for making me question my career choice (to the extent that, had it not been my final semester of classes, I would have changed my major) and my own abilities. I've never encountered another person who made me feel worse about myself than that woman. I do not forgive her.
I could forgive my aunt and my maternal grandmother for treating my mom and my grandma like dirt; while my aunt certainly knew better, more of my ire is directed at the grandmother, henceforth known as The Bitch. The Bitch made my mom feel awful, which I find deeply upsetting, but more than that, she hurt my Grandma, her mother. Attempting to guilt an 80-something-year-old woman is disgusting. It's upsetting to me that I share genetic material with this woman. I absolutely do not forgive her. Instead, I choose to ignore her existence.
If forgiveness is divine, what does it mean when you make the choice not to forgive? Is it evil, or just a mark of true humanity? And is that question philosophical or theological? And can you tell that I've been reading about Egyptian mythology too much today?
Labels: truth project
Things I Love Thursday
It's a late edition!
Success with new recipes I know shepherd's pie is super-simple, but it wasn't something I'd ever tried to make before; it's not really a midwestern sort of dish, so I'd never eaten it either. Still, the recipe I found was pretty simple, and there's almost no way to make ground beef, onions, carrots, and mashed potatoes taste bad. My success was confirmed by my dad, who asked for a sample and then asked when I was planning to make more. It's really perfect for cool weather!
The Red Pyramid Last week I wrote about Rick Riordan's new
Heroes of Olympus series. This week, I read the first book in
The Kane Chronicles, which is built around Egyptian mythology rather than Greek and Roman. My grasp of Egyptian mythology is radically less than my knowledge of Greek, but I think that actually made the story more interesting; I was discovering the mythology and the history as I read, the way the novels are intended. I'm a fan.
Jim and Pam's wedding Netflix just got around to sending me the sixth season of
The Office, and Jim and Pam's wedding made me really happy. The mental snapshots and cutting the tie and the
Maid in the Mist and the dancing down the aisle. Happy happy happy.
Happy Ever After I spent Saturday reading Nora Roberts' latest novel. I get a strange satisfaction out of starting and finishing a book in a single day; I read a lot of childrens and young adult titles, so it happens pretty regularly, but still. I'm not a huge fan of the romance genre, but I actually think Roberts does it better than most, and I've been reading her books since high school. A series based around weddings? Fun. Fluffy, predictable, endearing fun.
"If you're not worrying about how to put food on
your table, you [should be] worrying about why other people don't have food on
their table." - Cher to
Vanity Fair
Unintentionally cryptic bits "I'm always good for naked treats."; the end of Daylight Savings and getting my hour back; finding lost clothes - it's amazing the things you discover when you actually clean; lots of substituting - experience is good, as is money; the one girl (of three) that I'm training at my parents' restaurant who's picked up everything super-quickly - she's kind of saving my life and my sanity; reading cookbooks; being Miss Nachos; getting compliments on my shoes (they really are great shoes); grocery shopping - it's actually something I really like to do; "Is that a challenge?"; the Sephora holiday catalog - pretty, sparkly things that make me happy;
Glee - this week's episode was lovely and I was genuinely surprised by part of it, something that rarely happens to me;
Vanity Fair; "That is a rutabaga."; rainy days; the fact that I can wear not-cute shirts under my trench coat without anyone finding out; thinking about Christmas; discovering Ghiradelli white chocolate chips; Jon Stewart on
Rachel Maddow; planning to buy the pretty hardcover
Penguin Classics (to start, I need Shakespeare, Dante's
Inferno,
Alice in Wonderland, and
A Christmas Carol); hearing that night owls have higher IQs than morning people - ha!
I'm so looking forward to reading your lists (even if they're now things you love Friday)!
Labels: TILT
Tolerance
“You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.”
W. Somerset Maugham
Labels: quotation
Truth Project: Three
Something you have to forgive yourself for.Forgiveness is hard for me. I've entertained the idea that forgiveness is an overrated virtue (right behind chastity). I can let things go, but I don't give second chances and I often don't truly forgive. It's probably not a coincidence that I have a hard time apologizing. I'm infinitely better at letting-go-and-moving-on than I am at apologies and forgiveness.
I'll never be able to forgive myself for missing a chance with Iris. Never. Living with that particular "what if" is my fate, and while it taught me an incredibly valuable lesson, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
When Iris died, the boy-girl part of my brain shut down. I was enticed by little and pursued nothing for two-and-a-half years. I feel like I wasted all of the opportunities college is supposed to present, and even though I know rationally that it's silly, I feel like it's my fault. Like I should have done something differently.
I need to forgive myself for grieving.
How absurd.
Labels: truth project
Things I Love Thursday
Happy Thursday! My list of loveliness:
Cooler weather This week I added blankets to my bed and turned on the heater. I like being cozy. Hoodies and cardigans and scarves and coats and throw blankets and fuzzy slippers - all good.
The Tudors The final season was an excellent combination of horrific deaths and sex scenes that, I believe, approach the world of soft-core porn (and here come the google searches). By my (probably incomplete) count, there were two weddings, three beheadings, one burning-at-the-stake, a war with France, and one man being hanged, drawn, and quartered. Michael Hirst, the writer-creator, also knows his Tudor-era torture methods, including fingernail removal, tooth pulling, and the rack. I listen to those scenes more than I watch them; they turn my stomach. Ooo, and ghosts! At least four of those. Torture and death aside, watching
The Tudors makes me want to wear brocade gowns, oversized accessories, and tiaras.
Being warm from the inside out Coffee, tea, cider, cocoa - hot beverages make me feel all cozy. I am, clearly, into coziness this week.
Voting It makes me feel all responsible and stuff. A couple of things that I felt passionate about were successful, so I'm going to choose to be pleased. I also had the privilege of discussing an issue with someone with opposite beliefs; this was a privilege because, while we disagreed, he was an idiot and I trounced him with my logic. I think we're all aware of how much I like winning, and this was both a win and a demonstration of my intellectual superiority. It's like a super-win.
The Lost Hero I cannot tell you how excited I was to discover that Rick Riordan is again exploring Greek and Roman mythology with his new
Heroes of Olympus series. I love mythology, and I've written before about how masterfully Riordan incorporates it into his stories. So much happy.
This and that coffee ice cream; being so busy that time passes extra-quick; catching the "Treehouse of Horror" episodes of
The Simpsons - they're really the best ones; a weekend spent with a cozy blanket and my DVD player; gchats with Bradshaw and Hawk; "I'll buy you one, baby." "Did you just call me baby?"; male posturing; sweet potatoes - I think I'm going to challenge myself to find three different, tasty ways to cook them; playing music from "The Rocky Horror Glee Show" really loudly, then going to work and singing "Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me" under my breath all night; realizing that I come first alphabetically in the list of people in my hometown with my surname (yes, I'm related to them all, and yes, this is silly - I'm easily amused, kittens); being responsible for the "yay!" on the other end of a phone call; making someone amusingly uncomfortable without speaking; downloading oodles of music, looking at the stars - it's easy to forget they're up there, but they're gorgeous.
Tell me, kittens, what's making you dance and smile this week?
Labels: TILT
Truth Project: Two
Something you love about yourself.I'm selfish. Yes, I'm aware that selfish is an adjective that typically has a negative connotation, but I like my selfishness. When I make life decisions, I make them for myself. If something blows up in my face, I'm the one who has to deal with the fallout and I'm the one who takes the blame. No resentment, no guilt.
Some of this selfishness is the luxury of not having a significant other or any dependents. I don't have to think about anyone else's career or education. I don't have to consider anyone's feelings but my own.
Part of this is independence and self-sufficiency, but part of it is being willing to make decisions without considering anyone else. It seems like everyone I know is so busy worrying about others that they forget to do what makes them happy or fulfilled.
Yes, I'm selfish, and I like it. I also think that I'm a generous, reasonably kind-hearted young woman. Quite honestly, I intend to embrace my selfishness for as long as it's not hurting anyone else, and I refuse to feel bad about it.
Labels: truth project
Joy
“Beauty is whatever gives joy.”
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Labels: quotation
