Accidental Ambivalence

Truth Project: One

Something you hate about yourself.

Note: This post is a euphemism-free zone. Sad, because I like euphemisms a lot, but necessary.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I'm a pretty happy person. I have a whole slew of so-called negative qualities - I'm an unforgiving, judgmental, solitary grammar Nazi - that I actually find really amusing. To say that I'm full of myself wouldn't be too far off the mark. All of this means that writing about something I hate about myself is a challenge; I don't really hate anything about me. If I did, wouldn't I be trying to change it? So I started thinking about things I'm not so fond of that I can't change, and I finally came up with something: I'm really self-conscious about myself when I'm asleep.

I know. You're thinking exactly what Bradshaw said when I mentioned this to her: "But...you're asleep."

That's kind of the point. I hate feeling out of control, and you don't get much more out of control than asleep. Combine that with a slew of less-than-attractive sleepytime activities and you get one of the few things that makes me really uncomfortable. The things I've been told that I do in my sleep range from the mundane (light snoring, flailing and kicking) to the potentially interesting (I talk in my sleep sometimes and have been known to insult others, and I once tried to leave my house while sleepwalking). I'm so convinced that I'm hideous when I sleep that I avoid sharing sleeping space with anyone else. In fact, with the exception of Bradshaw, I think the last time I fell asleep in the same bed with someone else was five years ago. And I'm 24 and single.

Since I live alone in a town where there are no potential bed buddies, this isn't something that comes up often, but it has in the past. Memorable moments of avoidance include leaving the bed of a sleeping dude at 6 am (likely coloring the rest of that so-called relationship) and the phrase, "You drove two hours to sleep with your back to me?" (No, I drove two hours to have sex with you and the idea of you watching me sleep makes my skin crawl. But I didn't say that.)

The idea of snuggling is another whole can of worms. I get hot, I worry about my hair being in his face (or mine), and I feel trapped. There's a whole litany of "wrong" things going on if someone is touching me when I'm trying to sleep. I don't consider myself claustrophobic, but someone else being on top of me (remember, euphemism-free zone) when I'm trying to sleep makes me reevaluate. Then, of course, is the sleeping-in-my-makeup guilt and the morning breath concern.

It would be nice to be able to let this go, but I'm not sure I can. For now, unless naughty things are happening, I'm going to limit the occupancy of my bed to one (plus two felines).

Labels: my insanity, truth project

posted by nicalyse @ 12:06 PM 3 comments

Burned

Labels: image, inspiration

posted by nicalyse @ 2:28 PM 1 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Thursday dance!

Having my parents home Don't get me wrong, I'm more than grateful that I don't live with my parents: That would be disastrous for all three of us. That said, I'm glad they're home from vacation. I like looking out my window and seeing lights in their house that I didn't turn on. Plus, my mom's a pretty cool chick.


Stories that draw you in I almost never do only one thing at a time (I am a master of multi-tasking), so finding something that draws me in completely is a little bit special. It makes me smile.
Being a music teacher I am not an impressive singer. Really, I should limit myself to "Happy Birthday", Christmas carols, and singing in the car when I'm by myself. Monday, I was an elementary music teacher forced to teach first and second graders a new song. Singing in front of little kids isn't embarrassing in the least, and watching them catch on after the third or fourth time was actually a lot more entertaining than I expected. Good times.


Extra credit peppermint tea before bed; super-cozy pink blankets; sweet potatoes made spicy; my mom's vacation photography - so pretty; super-purr Puck; mixing eye shadows to make lovely new shades; getting compliments on cute shoes; clean dishes - hate washing them, like when they're all clean; "Time Warp"; maple syrup; The Tudors - I have to say, I'm impressed with their skill with aging the actors, though Henry Cavill looks much better in real life than as a middle-aged man; cooler weather, even if it does mean waking up with a cold nose; Hawk - I'm glad I know him because he makes me smile; beginning the Truth Project; discovering silliness that makes me really happy; cooking with garlic; wearing purple; reading things that make me think, even when I don't agree with them completely; waking up and not remembering my dream, but knowing that it was interesting all the same; Away We Go.

I loved your lists last week! Share, share, share, kittens!

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 12:34 PM 4 comments

Truth Project: Introduction

That's right, I'm on the bandwagon, too. Bradshaw first sent me the list of prompts for the "30 Days of Truth" blog project, and I was apathetic. "I already tell the truth on the blog," I said. "More than a few of these prompts don't inspire me," I said. Those things are both true, but maybe finding inspiration in the uninspired is exactly the point for me. Maybe telling the truth about something beyond what pops into my head on a given day will elicit something really interesting.

First, the list:

1. Something you hate about yourself.
2. Something you love about yourself.
3. Something you have to forgive yourself for.
4. Something you have to forgive someone for.
5. Something you hope to do in your life.
6. Something you hope you never have to do.
7. Someone who has made your life worth living for.
8. Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit.
9. Someone you didn't want to let go who just drifted.
10. Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know.
11. Something people seem to compliment you on the most.
12. Something you never get compliments on.
13. A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough days (letter).
14. A hero who has let you down (letter).
15. Something or someone you couldn't live without - because you've tried living without it.
16. Someone or something you definitely could live without.
17. A book you've read that changed your views on something.
18. Your views on gay marriage.
19. What do you think of religion? What do you think of politics?
20. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
21. Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (scenario)
22. Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
23. Something you wish you had done in your life.
24. Make a playlist for someone and explain why you chose all the songs. (with letter)
25. The reason you believe you're still alive today.
26. Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
27. What's the best thing going for you right now?
28. What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant? What would you do?
29. Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
30. A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself.

A couple of notes. First, I'm not posting every day, so this will most definitely take more than thirty days. Second, the original idea from Bradshaw included photo project, and since I am semi-anonymous and don't post photos of myself on the blog, I'm not doing that part.

I'm going to do my best to be less cryptic in my honesty for this project. I never deliberately write that way, but when I come back and read things later, I often find that if you don't already know the story, the things I've written make little sense. I'm going to avoid doing that for this project.

I'm looking forward to reading what others do for this project even more than I'm looking forward to writing them myself. Here goes.

Labels: truth project

posted by nicalyse @ 12:26 PM 2 comments

The Point

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 12:05 PM 2 comments

Breathe

It's been a while since I've had to remind myself to breathe. Holding my breath as a defense against pain hasn't come up in some time, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it happened today.

Last time I was here, it was November and it was night. I didn't realize you had a key or I would have come up with an excuse to come here before. Of course, once we got here I played coy: It's what I did best. You pretended to look for something while I pretended to care about replacement headlight bulbs and boxes of spark plugs. We played pretend a lot.

I was sitting on this bench when you finally gave up the act and joined me. And it could have been something elicit, a stolen moment in a wildly inappropriate place. Instead, it was a very PG moment in the movie of my boy-girl encounters: one kiss, my hand in yours, and quiet conversation that I can't even remember now. To be fair, I'm not sure I could have remembered it five minutes later, let alone six years. Being with you clouded my mind in the most wonderful way possible.

Sitting on this bench is, for me, worse than spending the night in a cemetery. The shades of my past sting enough on their own, but now they're touched by that most hurtful of phrases: what if.

My chest burns even though I've reminded myself to breathe.

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 11:36 AM 5 comments

To Live In an Undescribed World

Labels: image, inspiration

posted by nicalyse @ 12:53 PM 0 comments

Things I Love Thursday

This week wasn't about big things, it was about little things. Dozens of little things that made me smile and feel wonderful. It's the small things that really matter though, right? Like getting a high five from a cute kid or getting a lipstick sample in the mail that turns out to be the perfect color for your skin tone.

The History of Sex Have you ever watched this on the History Channel? It's an academic, matter-of-fact look at sexuality in different time periods. It amuses me to no end. And, because I do and read and watch everything more than once, I've definitely seen it before. Never stops me from tuning in when there's nothing better on. And really, if they're airing it after eleven years, someone else must be watching too.

The Magic School Bus "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!"



Excellence A New York state gubernatorial candidate, the former owner of an escort service, said the following (and I paraphrase): "All politicians are prostitutes, and I think I'm the only person here who knows exactly how to handle that." Potentially the best political line I've ever heard. If I lived in New York, I would seriously entertain voting for her based on that alone.

All the little things Gorgeous fall weather and spending time outside in it; feeling well-rested; serendipity; discoveries that make me smile and feel connected; naughty dreams (a girl takes what she gets, yo); reading; "Are there fluffers for women?"; the return of the parents; pre-schooler high-fives; discovering Rick Riordan's new Greek mythology-inspired book; Italian-style bread; maintaining a manicure for a full week - it usually chips after a day or two and I give it up; maintaining a relatively consistent sleep schedule; super-swirly thoughts and sharing them; perfect lipstick shades; long, straight hair and having it.

Oh, love, please tell me what makes you smile this week! I'm so looking forward to reading your list!

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 11:15 AM 4 comments

In Which I Show the Crazy

I don't believe in ghosts. At least, not exactly. I guess it's more that I don't believe in ghosts in the Halloween-y, haunted house sort of way. Like everyone else, I've heard about spirits communicating through lights and sounds, and every time a street light goes off when I walk or drive by (which happens quite a bit), I wonder if it's supposed to be some sort of sign.

I have a ghost clock.

I live in my great-grandmother's house; she died five years ago in February. I sleep in her bedroom, and on the dresser sits a clock that's been there my entire life. It's battery-powered, and it used to drive me crazy when I would spend the night when I was little. It ticked really loudly, and I have a tendency to count such things: steps, beats in songs, clock ticks. It's hard to sleep when you're counting.

When I moved in a year ago, I left the clock, but didn't replace the batteries. One morning, lying in bed and pretending that I wasn't awake, I found myself incredibly annoyed. It took a while, but I finally figured out that it was the ticking clock. Which is weird, right? When I went to bed that night, the ticking had stopped, so I figured I made it up. I sometimes do things like that.

In the year since I moved into the house, the clock has started ticking a dozen or so times. Even in a low-energy device, isn't five years a long time for batteries to maintain power? Even intermittently? So the question becomes whether this is just a weird quasi-electronic thing that I'm reading too much into or if it's something more.

I'm not sure. But I'm still going to call it the ghost clock.

Labels: everyday musings, my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 11:22 AM 1 comments

Power

Labels: image, inspiration, quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 11:08 AM 0 comments

Dear Heart

Labels: image, inspiration

posted by nicalyse @ 10:44 AM 1 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Perfect thunderstorms There was thunder and lightning, like any self-respecting thunderstorm, but the trick to being perfect is that it never rained so hard that it blocked my satellite signal. Excellence in little things.


Being rescued Friday afternoon, on my way home from school, I got a flat tire. While I am certainly aware of how to change a tire, it's impossible to change your own tire when you aren't strong enough to loosen your own lug nuts. So, I called my friend Drawl, who took less than a minute to take care of them. That, kittens, is where it got interesting. The rim was rusted on. I did not know that could happen. Drawl saved the day with a sledge hammer, a 2x4, and brute strength. He will soon be the recipient of a tasty baked good.


Watching the miners being rescued It makes me smile and get a little teary-eyed. Seriously. I like watching things go well on the news.


My library I read in an article in Vanity Fair that Marilyn Monroe had a library of nearly 400 books. Which, naturally, made me wonder how many books I have. So I counted. Then lost count because my books are all over the place; I have inadequate shelf space and decorate with them. My library stands somewhere around 200 books. Since I consider this anemic, it's hard telling where it'll end up.


Many little things ordering essentials online; little kids dressed up for picture day; homecoming excitement; the latest issue of Vanity Fair; painting my nails chocolate brown; sleeping so deeply that I wake up feeling as if time evaporated rather than just sleeping through it; gorgeous chrysanthemums outside and how long they last cut; playing Risk and conquering the world; Nutella on graham crackers; "catching up" calls from my mom on vacation; turning leftover roasted vegetables into roasted vegetable soup; feline fascination with bath bubbles; opportunities to gchat with Bradshaw; the reappearance of something thought missing; "You're what? Nineteen?"; feeling off-kilter and learning from it; biscuits and gravy for Sunday breakfast; being up early enough for breakfast, pet care, and early arrival; the endless antics of kittens; choosing clothes that feel good; getting a call to substitute for the preschoolers Monday (I'm actually really looking forward to that. Who knew?); Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver; the fact that I always have a blanket in my lap when I'm at home; only vaguely remembering my dreams and knowing that they involved kissing and little kids - separately, you creeps; teenagers who have manners enough to call a teacher ma'am when they don't know her name (even if it makes me feel a wee bit old); "You look really familiar - that's it!"; The History of Love by Nicole Krauss; fall - weirdly, I'm into it this year; foggy mornings; text message photos of the Statue of Liberty at night from my mom.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 6:27 AM 1 comments

45 Ways to Cheer Yourself Up

We all have days when we feel blue or frustrated. Whatever the reason, I think it's important not to wallow in such negativity, but rather to make an effort to cheer yourself up. Read through the list, take the things you like, ignore the things you don't, and if you have suggestions of your own, share them in the comments.

1. Watch your favorite dance music video. Learn the dance. Perform endlessly. If you have a partner-in-crime, all the better. (Bradshaw, my college roommate, and I learned Fergie's dance in the "My Humps" video. There was much hilarity. To this day, when I hear the song on the radio, I catch myself doing the dance. While driving. It's incredible.)

2. Write a letter to your future-self. If it's handwritten, hide it somewhere that it will stay hidden for a while (the bottom of the sweater drawer, inside a pair of shoes you never wear, behind a framed photo). Alternatively, use futureme.org and have the letter emailed in the distant future.

3. Try a kitschy-fun new-to-you workout: yoga for the first time, strippercise, hula hooping. If you feel silly, you're doing it right.

4. Bake something. Sugar cookies, chocolate cupcakes, an elaborate layer cake - whatever tickles your fancy. Bonus points for sharing with others.

5. Watch your favorite movie from when you were a kid.

6. Celebrate your favorite holiday regardless of what the calendar says. Set off firecrackers and play with sparklers in October. Make yourself sick on a mound of candy in May. String up lights and watch The Santa Clause and Love Actually in March. Get creative!

7. Have friends over for dinner. Make something you cook like an expert or order your favorite takeout.

8. Search your wardrobe for work-appropriate clothes that are as close to pajamas as possible. That's not to say that you should look like a slob. My go-to for day when I feel less-than-stellar but must work: a knee-length denim skirt, tank top, and long cardigan with ballet flats. Add accessories as desired.

9. Drink a smoothie. Satisfying and healthy.

10. Browse the childrens section of a bookstore, best done when there aren't strange children present.

11. Make and eat a grilled cheese sandwich. Whether you go for the classic white-bread-and-American or something a bit fancier (mozzarella and tomato jam, cheddar and apple), there's something wonderful about toasty bread and oozy, melty cheese.

12. Sit outside and appreciate what the season has to offer. Even (especially) if it isn't your favorite season. Bundle up or strip down accordingly and keep your eyes open to the things that are always there.

13. Wear a face mask.

14. Do something touristy. Even my boring little town has a slightly touristy quirk. If you live in a city with lots of things to choose from, pick the cheesiest or most stereotypical (Gateway Arch, Space Needle, Liberty Bell, I'm looking at you).

15. Read your favorite book from when you were a little kid. Where the Wild Things Are, Green Eggs and Ham, The Monster at the End of This Book. Remember why it was your favorite.

16. Celebrate a funny holiday, even if you have to make one up. There's a silly holiday for every day of the year, I swear. Use Holidays for Everyday to find one you like and celebrate it to the extreme.

17. Call a friend. Laugh until your stomach hurts.

18. Plant something. If you live in an apartment, go for a kitchen herb or a hard-to-kill houseplant like a philodendron or an orchid. If you have a yard, choose whatever is seasonally-appropriate that catches your eye at the nursery.

19. Watch a movie that makes you laugh every time. (The Hangover, anyone?)

20. Change your scenery. Go to a different neighborhood or a new town. Changing your environment can change your state of mind as well.

21. Feng Shui your books by lining them up with the front edge of the shelf. Bonus: Less surface to dust.

22. Do a small part of a larger task you hate. Just wash the plates in that sink full of dishes, only vacuum your living room, weed half of the flowerbeds, give one of the cats her bath. You get the idea.

23. Spend time with a little kid. The only thing to take seriously is safety (seatbelts, please, and always keep little ones where you can see them). Really, guys, spending time with little kids is one of the most freeing and rewarding things in the world, even when it's your job.

24. Watch a musical. Sing along.

25. Do something for someone else. It's true that doing for others makes you feel better about yourself.

26. Listen to music too loud. Sing along. Dance the way you only dance when no one is looking. (Limit time spent here if you live in an apartment. Otherwise, keep it up until your ears ring and you can't catch your breath.)

27. Have a picnic, as simple or elaborate as you like. If it's cold or raining, make it a living room picnic.

28. Wear extra eyeliner.

29. Indulge the negativity, then move on. Record yourself or write it out, then crumple it up or dump it in the recycle bin. Let go of the emotion along with the evidence of it.

30. Cuddle something fluffy, even if it's a teddy bear.

31. Play a game. I'm fond of Scrabble and Monopoly: Here and Now (which are on my computer).

32. Have an orgasm by whatever means are convenient.

33. Go for a drive. I do some of my best thinking when I'm driving. Rolling down the windows is optional.

34. Paint your nails.

35. Wear something sparkly. Buy sparkly undies for occasions such as this.

36. Take a long, hot bath. Have a beverage while you soak. Listen to music, watch a movie on your laptop (on a safe, stable, water-free counter, please), read a book, or just lie there.

37. Sleep naked, preferably between crisp, freshly washed sheets.

38. Hand-write a letter to your bestie. Decorate it. Add confetti to the envelope and mail it.

39. Concentrate on learning about someone interesting: John Lennon, Audrey Hepburn, Al Capone, Princess Diana, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Nelson Mandela, Mohondas Gandhi.

40. Fantasize about something radical. Be a movie star, a Greek god, a princess, an Olympic gold medalist - whatever makes you feel amazing and powerful.

41. Be selfish. Ignore everyone else's problems and dramatics and just be you.

42. Curl up with a warm blanket, your favorite book, and a tasty hot beverage - hot cocoa, coffee, tea - that makes you feel cozy from the inside out.

43. Have a drink. Just one, and make it worthwhile.

44. Go people watching. Make up stories in your head to go with the people you see.

45. Smile. The classic fake-it-till-you-make-it. The act of smiling makes you feel better, even if it starts as a grimace.

Labels: inspiration, lists, personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 12:51 AM 1 comments

Friendship's Realest Measure

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 2:29 AM 2 comments

Sixth Grade

I've never been in a relationship. You know, a mutual, let's-hold-hands, I have a boyfriend relationship. I've only gone on two dates - both of which made me feel really awkward. Instead of relationships, I have liaisons, often overcomplicated by yours truly. I've done this with two different men with varying levels of interaction and insanity. I've decided (or convinced myself) that this is how I like it for a whole host of reasons that could be an entire series of posts. (Potential title: Nic's Justification for Life as a Spinster)

But in sixth grade for approximately two weeks, I did have a boyfriend.

I'm absolutely certain that sixth grade "relationships" don't count, but I caught myself thinking about this particular situation in the shower somewhere between the raspberry sorbet body wash and underarm shaving. The details are more than a little sketchy in my memory, but I've done my best.

We had social studies together, and our teacher was not a good one, meaning that it was more than easy to chatter to your neighbors for the entire hour. Unfortunately, he also made his seating charts alphabetically and with a weird arrangement of desks. This put me and the boy in a two-desk row between the wall and a row that had an empty desk and the requisite class "weird kid." We became chatting buddies because everyone else was too far away to talk to without getting in trouble, and somehow he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend. I think I would have said yes to anyone who asked me that (unless it was that weird kid).

I remember lying on the bed in my grandma's room (now my room) and chatting on the phone with him one day after school, though I have zero recollection of any conversation we ever had. And at some point in the next week, he ceased to be my boyfriend, though I don't recall having a conversation or officially "breaking up." It just ended. I knew at the time that it was the result of teasing by his friends.

See, I wasn't particularly cute at twelve. I still had prepubescent chubbiness, my hair was nearly long enough to sit on, and I was pre-braces. I've always believed that this meant that his interest in me was actually based on my personality, which I suppose is flattering. That, of course, is the adult view of the situation. The adolescent view was to be quietly mortified and hurt. I'm not sure if he and I continued to talk during class after that; I seem to think that we didn't. I was still a pretty soft heart back then.

I never told anyone about it, never discussed it after that. That's the sort of quiet embarrassment that I'm not sure you completely outgrow. Yes, it still makes me the teensiest bit twisty in the stomach. When something really hurts my feelings, I tend not to talk about it at all - apparently even after a decade and the recognition that the situation was laughable. I do wonder how much I internalized that and even now behave based on that foundation, the idea that someone wouldn't want to be with me because of what his friends thought.

I don't remember having another class with him in the next six years of school, strange given how small our school was. I'm fairly certain the last time I saw him was my freshman year of college when my roommate met another guy I went to high school with and we all ended up at the same party, and then I think all that was said was hello.

This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder if everyone remembers the sorts of things that I do. Does he even remember? Part of me hopes he doesn't because of that lingering embarrassment, and part of me would be sad if he didn't because it would make me feel insignificant.

No one wants to be forgotten.

Labels: boys, personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 12:08 PM 1 comments

In 10 Easy Steps

Labels: image, inspiration

posted by nicalyse @ 6:11 AM 0 comments

Things I Love Thursday

"It isn't the great big pleasures that count the most; it's making a great deal out of the little ones."

Extra Credit the glasses Justin Timberlake is wearing while he promotes The Social Network; baked gnocchi with ricotta and marinara; cardigan weather; finding my favorite pasta sauce and buying 8 jars; long, quiet drives; others' assumptions that I am significantly younger than I am; Starbucks opportunities; lots of black eyeliner (further proof that I do everything in phases, including eye makeup); a very full pantry; awkwardness on scripted television; being so busy I barely have time to think for a couple of hours; new toothbrush day; steamed caramel cider - homemade!; paychecks; the gag reel on the last disc of a television show season - my favorite part, and particularly excellent when watching The Office; playing with wee kittens; the gorgeous stack of new books still waiting to be read; pink fingernails; another Sunday spent on a marathon (Entourage), but also using the time to write instead of being entirely useless; getting a call to sub in high school, finally; irreverence and heart existing together; polite people; thoughtfulness; Hawk, of course - hey, you, post more!

I remind you, again, that it's only polite to share. Let me know what's making your week!

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 12:13 AM 2 comments

Leaping Tall Buildings With a Single Bound!

During a gchat with Bradshaw yesterday, she subject of superheroes came up. Naturally, it got me thinking about what persona I would take on if I became a superhero. Once, not so long ago, I was jokingly given superpowers which including shooting sparkly pink lasers from my eyes. It's a bit of an inside joke.

Grammar Girl Correcting every mistake you make! Her red laser pen blasts unnecessary commas into oblivion! She annoys her opponents into submission.

The Baker Rescuing the weak with magical cupcakes! She looks - and smells - sweet, but don't get on her bad side: She keeps a stash of exploding dragées in her apron pocket.

Mighty Midget Sneak attacking unsuspecting baddies from low to the ground! She's more than a little underhanded, and she always wears flats.

What is your superhero persona? Alternatively, or additionally, what is your super-villain persona?

Labels: everyday amusements

posted by nicalyse @ 12:37 PM 2 comments

Lawful

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 11:38 AM 0 comments

You Are

Labels: image, inspiration

posted by nicalyse @ 11:31 AM 2 comments