Accidental Ambivalence

Wicked

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 11:58 PM 3 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Mmm, lists of love.

Drinking massive amounts of coffee; Dr. Pepper; euphemisms and innuendos; "It's not my fault you aren't finished quick enough." "Dirty."; dry shampoo; twisting my hair in a bun that lasts all day and leaves my hair all wavy and cute; "A Rose for Emily" by Faulkner; adding Tarantino movies to my Netflix queue; getting there in time to drink "the good stuff."

The realization that Dawson's Creek was the meta fiction of television - but on a less intelligent level; bright red pedicures; silk nightgowns (so very Sunset Blvd. of me); doing what I want, consequences be damned; enjoying a long drive; once-a-year fair pizza; quotations about reading and books; adding Gilmore Girls to my dad's DVR - ha; not having a child yet and not feeling guilty for not having a significant other; lacy black lingerie.


Drinking peppermint tea before bed; reading entire books in one hot tub session; exfoliation; being told to prove the statement, "I could run in these wedges if I had to."; threatening to destroy the violin CD; actually plotting ways to destroy the violin CD; DVD commentaries that are interesting rather than boring or annoying; realizing how things happen for a reason, whether I like it or not.


Considering how much we'll all be making fun of Gossip Girl in five years, even though we love it now; extra cash; cheeseburgers and fries that can't be found anywhere else; the Proust Questionniare; photos of balloons - it's a new thing; eating a half-pound of cherries all at once; playing dress up; rescuing th neighbor from his bee sting (my god did this kid have a set of lungs); YouTube videos and getting stuck in endless viewing cycles; fanfiction; chats with Bizz - those don't happen often enough any more; anticipating the laptop the universe is just waiting to hand me.


Hearing "I barely recoginzed you." and knowing somehow that it's a compliment; playing a role; the amazing abilities of the simple bobby pin; "Call me if you need a ride."; quiet, easy time alone and refusing to think about its impending interruption; the ability of the body not to crush the thing lying beside it; talking about The Godfather; enjoying the weekend at home.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 8:47 PM 4 comments

Proust Questionnaire

Every month, the last page of Vanity Fair is the Proust Questionnaire as completed by someone of note. I usually can't think of my own answers to the questions - they are deeper than they seem - but when I received my last issue, it was suddenly incredibly easy. I thought I would share my answers with you.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

At the moment, drinking a perfect cup of coffee in my nightgown.

What is your greatest fear?

Never again experiencing love.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Impatience, which leads to short-temperedness.

What trait do you most deplore in others?

Willful ignorance.

Which living person do you most admire?

My mother for being apologetically herself.

What is your current state of mind?

Slightly introspective mixed with "mmm, coffee."

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Chastity.

On what occasion do you lie?

On occasions when I prefer not to be honest, nearly always about myself.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

My skin.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Honesty.

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?

Honesty.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Probably the verbal tick, "you know." Also, "dirty."

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My late great-grandmother.

Which talent would you most like to have?

To write beautifully.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would be more patient.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting from nineteen to twenty-one.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A very pampered cat or a lovingly abused book.

What is your most treasured possession?

My memories.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Being forced to live with "what if."

What is your favorite occupation?

Reading.

What is your most marked characteristic?

My height, physically. Probably my candor.

Who are your favorite writers?

I could list for days; different authors, different styles, different moods.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Albus Dumbledore.

What historical figure do you most identify with?

Someone like Greta Garbo who craved attention, then hid from it.

Who are your heroes in real life?

My great-grandmother and my parents.

What is it that you most dislike?

Being ignored, liars, and spinelessness.

What is your greatest regret?

Not telling someone how important they were.

How would you like to die?

In my sleep.

What is your motto?

If you don't want the truth, don't ask my opinion.

There we have it, kittens. If you feel compelled, I urge you to complete the questionnaire for yourself, then let me know so I can read it!

Labels: everyday amusements, personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 2:16 PM 1 comments

Trouble

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 11:02 PM 2 comments

Five Years Later

This weekend, I went to my five-year high school reunion. There wasn't nearly enough alcohol to warrant any excellent stories, but I did have a few observations.

First, apparently five years does change some people. I admit, the nasty, schadenfreude-seeking part of me was thrilled to see that several people have visibly gained weight, particularly the my image obsessed, pseudo-vegetarian ("I don't eat pepperoni, just chicken.") once-upon-a-time Meals on Wheels partner. I've seen a lot of my former classmates in the last few years - I spent my first three years of college going home every few weekends to work at my parents' restaurant - but others I probably haven't seen since the night we graduated. The first thing I heard when I walked through the door was, "Wow, I barely recognized you," from a guy I've known since...well, probably forever. I found this strange. While I'm aware that we rarely notice changes in ourselves because they are gradual and we look in the mirror every day, I feel like most of the changes in me are superficial. I've lost braces and gained bangs. I am three pounds heavier at this moment than I was when I started college. Whatever, I was also complimented, so if there are changes, at least they're for the better.

Seeing my classmates run around with their significant others was strange. Living in a small town always feels a bit incestuous, and the rules about never dating your best friend's ex tend to count for a lot less; it was bizarre to walk into a room where a third of the people, who I didn't know at all, were dating people that I've known for as long as I can remember.

Stranger than husbands and girlfriends and bed buddies were the children. A few babies, several toddlers, and a handful of four- and five-year-olds. Some of the most selfish girls I've ever known are now responsible for raising small people, and that's terrifying. And I realized, watching a bunch of little kids whose parents I've seen in seven different states of disarray running around, just how happy I am that I'm not there.

I always knew that college was next. I always knew that I was destined to do more than stay in Small Town my whole life; I needed to get out and learn more and see...something. Of course, when I graduated, I was completely infatuated with Iris and hated the idea of leaving him. I had it in my head that after four years, everything would work itself out. He and I would finally move beyond our chronic bad timing and get together. I was going to get my teaching certificate, move back home to be with Iris, and be known for my triumphant return. We would get married and have adorable little kids, hopefully with his eyes. I would teach at the same high school that I attended, coach cheerleading, and be the reincarnation of the excellent English teacher that I was blessed with. Between my tiny family and his huge one, we would have an amazing support system and I would never feel like I was missing anything.

But when Iris died, my future became extremely foggy. I suddenly knew that going back to Small Town wasn't what I wanted, not just because he wasn't there, but because his memory was. Now, it feels much too small for both of us. I'm so incredibly glad that, at twenty-three, I'm single and free to do whatever I please, however selfish it may be. I'm not ready for the compromises that come with marriage or the sacrifices that come with having children. I'm absolutely content to worry about myself and my cats and know that whatever I decide to do will be perfect.

Labels: personal growth, Small Town, updates

posted by nicalyse @ 9:57 PM 0 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Another week with a long list, simply because I like it that way lately.


Air conditioning; reblogging; sleeping eleven-and-a-half hours and depleting some of my sleep debt; the prospect of attending my five-year reunion on Saturday (apparently we're having a five-year - strange, right?); red fingernails; healthy pets.


Fantasizing; I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell movie - how did I not know that this was happening and that Matt Czuchry is playing Tucker Max?; learning about A Fine Frenzy's impending album; drinking coffee at 11:30 pm, consequences be damned; spending time wandering around the library and finding things I had forgotten that I wanted to read; doing the silly thing because it felt like the right thing; my Gossip Girl playlist in iTunes; dancing around my room like a lunatic; the return of our trash cans.


Finding lovely new Tumblrs to follow; deciding that I'm going to try Atlas Shrugged again (for you, Bizz darling); realizing that I'm not where I thought I would be, but being so glad that I'm not; believing that it will fall together the way that it's supposed to; anticipating the loveliness that will be the Universe dropping a laptop in, well, my lap; Bradshaw's impending visit; anticipating so many lovely things!; associating people with books and authors; writing.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 12:09 PM 5 comments

On My Ambivalence

"I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic."

Lisa Alther

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 8:07 PM 0 comments

Stop Worrying

Yes, I disappeared for a few days, and if you were concerned, I apologize. Between working six days in a row, doing turnarounds (closing, then going back the next morning), and having insomnia, I wasn't terribly inspired to write anything. I'm back.

You can stop worrying now.

posted by nicalyse @ 7:51 PM 0 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Because this week I don't have anything exciting to expound on - thus making entire paragraphs difficult - you are getting a list along with a collection of shiny things. This week I am digging on:

playing the same songs over and over and singing along - loudly; the way my legs look in heels; "The shoes are very Audrey, the dress is very Marilyn."; the Magnetic Poetry calendar; watching an entire season of Gilmore Girls in three days; hair that stays all the way off my neck with just three bobby pins; receiving my first issue of Vanity Fair in the mail; the Muses in Disney's Hercules; bright, crisp images; wedges; the smell of vegetable stock cooking; Pandora Gets Vain and deciding that I am going to track down and read as much childrens' literature that references or involves Greek mythology as I can; playing dress up; thinking about other people's pets; Gilmore-isms.


Tumblr and finding people who post lovely, interesting things; waking up to the face of a handsome man - Puck; the concept of hedonism - my god I want to be a hedonist; Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy; unseasonably cool weather meaning that spending time in the hot tub is both realistic and infinitely comfortable; oversized sunglasses; remembering that I do not need anyone to come and protect me from the creepy neighbor; marathon phone calls with Bradshaw; Panera's strawberry poppyseed salad - oh yes, again.


Reading stories online; extra-long necklaces; drinking coffee again - it took long enough to get my taste back and now I remember its deliciousness; hearing A Fine Frenzy's newest song; the word "funsies"; "One Week of Danger" by The Virgins; spending an entire day all alone and not getting pretty; tasty burgers; thinking about 1969 and how much I wish I would have been cool enough to be a hippie - though I have the self-awareness to realize that I probably would have been a spinster teacher, just like I am now (sort of); Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go; love rocket (not dirty); never being reprimanded for wearing potentially-against-dress-code clothes to work because they are always cute and appropriate; chatting with the Roommate when she returns from a brief vacation; cute sundresses; shopping the Roommate's closet and finding excellent things - I love sharing; I mentioned coffee already, but I just finished a cup and it was very tasty; frozen pizza; Leighton Meester, Alexis Bledel, Blair Waldorf, and Rory Gilmore - girl crushes.



Blinds on windows; getting back my Tuesday morning shift and feeling accomplished, needed, validated, and vindicated; reccommending excellent books; thinking about hearing all of the things that everyone else is excited about this week; drinking huge bottles of water; lime fruit bars; dancing in my underoos.

All images can be found at my Tumblr. See the sidebar, kittens.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 2:49 PM 2 comments

Shine

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 4:37 PM 2 comments

Feature Presentation

Just now, I was walking through my house, still dressed for work and listening to my stomach rumble, thinking about a boy. He has these great blue eyes, probably his best - or at least most noticeable - feature. And I thought to myself, "Of course he knows they're his best feature. Everyone knows their best feature. Mine is-"

And I stopped. Because I realized that while I'm aware of the features that I like about myself physically, those things aren't necessarily my best features. For some people, I'm sure that their best feature is something that they don't even know about themselves. I would also wager that while most people are aware of their most distinguishing physical characteristic (for me, it's my height, or lack thereof), the most distinguishing isn't always the best either.

I tried to decide what would be my best if someone else chose, and I'm still not sure. So I wonder how many other people have some insight into this. Perhaps you've been told, like the boy I was thinking of, over and over about how you have great eyes or hair or abs. Maybe you're like me and are completely clueless. Does anyone care to comment about how their best feature is one that they hate? Or, alternately, one that they love?

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 5:57 PM 0 comments

Things I Love Thursday

• Staying awake all night No, I wasn't out being debaucherous. I was in my own bed, watching entire seasons of Veronica Mars and enjoying the quiet. Between shifting work schedules and insomnia, the best time for sleeping has become after sunrise - and I like it.

• Alone time It makes me happy, plain and simple. Lately I've preferred being left alone more than simply being alone, but both are worth celebrating.

• Movie dates with myself I know people hate it, but it makes me happy every time. I hate sharing the armrest.

• Showing off my cat You've seen pictures, and Puck is a very handsome cat who is quite the curious little attention whore. Taking a 17 lb. white cat to the pet store on a leash tends to get noticed, and, quite honestly, we both love it. He gets treats and meets new friends - an encounter with an excited pug was particularly amusing - and gets to think about just how tasty all those pretty birds would be if he could only get to them. Very happy. Watching him attack the pet grass when we got home was just cake.

• This and that Watching multiple episodes of Veronica Mars in succession - she's snarky and I like it; coffee with whipped cream; mashed potatoes; pretty things on Tumblr; childrens' books that incorporate mythology - Pandora Gets Jealous is the beginning of another such series and it's cute; Sweet Tarts; finding so many things I want to read; strawberry poppyseed salad at Panera - my favorite things are always seasonal; Transformers; being handed a beer as soon as I walk in the door; Hercules; pimp kitties; work hugs; Magnetic Poetry; curls; increased sales on my staff rec; Leighton Meester and having a girl crush - sheesh I'm a nerd; wish fulfillment; the physical act of writing; Leinenkugel; rooting for the girl to be with the bad boy; the chuckle that comes when you tell someone that you named your cat Marilyn Monroe; oversized sunglasses; Reese's peanut butter cups; eating dinner outside.

This clip and the accompanying quotation:

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 1:39 PM 2 comments