Accidental Ambivalence

Books

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 4:00 PM 2 comments

Taking Suggestions

I am taking suggestions for ways to spend my Tuesday and Wednesday off. Current ideas include new library books, sleeping all day, and a marathon of something on DVD - perhaps some Gilmore Girls? Does anyone else have a great idea that I should hear about?

Additionally, are there any subjects that you'd like to see me blog about? Unless your favorite thing is listening to me complain - which I'm avoiding - let me know what you like reading. I'm curious.

Labels: taking suggestions

posted by nicalyse @ 8:59 PM 1 comments

Fireflies

Last night, I sat in the park just before sunset, reading a book and sipping passion tea lemonade. I looked up at just the right moment and saw the fireflies rising out of the grass all over, signaling to each other and lighting up the park.

And it was beautiful.

posted by nicalyse @ 6:02 PM 3 comments

Things I Love Thursday

A new week, a new list. And this time, fortunately, I don't feel like I'm struggling against a bad mood to write it - baby steps!

• Library There's something about the polite quiet of a library that is extremely soothing to me. I don't remember it being like this when I was younger, so maybe it's the product of two years in book retail and the constant chatter of customers. I spent part of Sunday afternoon soaking up the free air conditioning and browsing the childrens' library.

• Consistent sleep I like staying up late, and I like sleeping in. Closing all week - while not my ideal - means that I can do that to perfection. For me, there's something really soothing in sleeping while the sun is up, and doing that all week has been lovely.

• Louise, the Adventures of a Chicken This morning at work, I helped give a store tour to a group of second graders which we followed with this story. It's a picture book, but just about right for kindergarten to second graders. Louise's adventures include pirates, a near-miss with a lion, and the emancipation of a cage of chickens. It's too cute.

• Gossip Girl I watched eight episodes, and while I haven't watched any more of season two, I have been re-watching my DVDs of season one - and loving it. I just can't figure out if I have a bigger crush on Ed Westwick or Leighton Meester.

• Quotations Clearly I like quotes. Tumblr has made them much easier to collect and share with other people, and I've found some really lovely ones in the last week. They just make me smile.

• Little adventures Disney movies - a kick of Mulan, Ariel, and Aurora; gifted dresses; metallic sandals; croissants with coffee; giant glasses of water; music from Gossip Girl; reading stories aloud; working with people that I am very fond of; breakfast followed by a nap; Dr. Pepper; being told that I look cute; doors; borrowed sunglasses; clean clothes; kitten snuggles; learning that the word I tweet most is "coffee"; writing wish fulfillment; Sonic; unexpected wonderfulness.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 4:21 PM 2 comments

Language

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 1:39 PM 3 comments

Being Self-Centered

A month or so ago, I decided that I wasn't satisfied with being alone. I wanted someone to share my time and, at a very basic level, to care. I know that people care about me; I know that there are a handful of people who care deeply about me. Despite that, the people who care cannot always be right there when you want them (though I have been remarkably blessed with people who will be right there when I need them). And, for those moments, I decided that I wanted someone else around. Also, I'll be honest, for the very basic fact that I often crave physical contact with another that cannot be satisfied by the likes of the lovely Bradshaw or Spark - much as I adore them.

I mentioned this desire to find someone casually to the Roommate, who followed right along by setting me up with the roommate of one of her coworkers. I didn't feel a spark at the initial meeting, but I didn't want to read too much into it. We went on a date - a breakfast date that was a lot of fun - and it still wasn't there. Despite the fact that he is extremely nice, very intelligent, and attractive (one of my coworkers who saw us at breakfast has berated me for not dating "the hot guy"), it simply wasn't there. I told him so, and have since moved on without looking back. I don't second-guess my decision, which is how I know that I made the right one. As I'm sure you've noticed, I second-guess everything that may have emotional repercussions (although I never, ever second-guess my answers on tests).

After this experience, I realized that part of my reluctance was in changing my routines. Not even my routines, exactly, but the fact that I am not answerable to anyone. Perhaps there was no one who cared what I spent my Sunday doing, but it also meant that there was no one to judge me for going to the library and watching eight episodes of Gossip Girl on my computer, and no one questioning whether my solitude was a sign of my displeasure with them or with my own life. And it wasn't.

I am very content to be alone right now. I am filling my days with books - trips to the library and to bookstores and sitting in coffee shops reading the books that I acquire. I have Netflix movies to watch and an endless supply of television shows that I can find online. I have blogging projects and writing projects and I'm challenging myself to improve my photography skills. I get to take up the entire bed if I like, and if I do feel the need to snuggle with someone, I have two cats who are usually happy to oblige. I can stay up until 5 am watching Mulan or reading an article on the scandal at an all girls' school in Vanity Fair. I can spend all day getting ready just to go to the store or I can decide that I'm ready to run errands in fifteen minutes. This aloneness gives me a freedom that I'm not ready to trade away; no one has given me a good enough reason to let go of myself in that way.

I haven't been terribly happy for the last several weeks, and that is unacceptable. I did very well earlier this year and I want very much to get back to that place. So that, now, is my goal: My own complete and utter happiness. And, as I am still learning, I am the happiest when my time is as full or as open as I want it; when the decision to stay at home cleaning the kitchen and dancing around to "Stripper" by the Soho Dolls isn't something that I'm made to feel guilty about. The freedom to choose all of these things isn't something that I can count on having forever, so I intend to make the most of it now.

I am, from this moment, rededicating myself to my own happiness. I am going to surround myself with things that are beautiful to read and to hear and to look at and to taste. I am going to surround myself with people who make me laugh and feel loved, and who I love in return. I am going to take control of situations that are making me uneasy - speaking up may not affect change, but not speaking up certainly won't. I am going to write down the things that make me happy and I am going to do my damndest to let go of things that don't. And when I begin to feel unhappy, I will remind myself that no one can make me feel any way without my consent - even as I gag at myself for thinking such a sappy cliché.

And everything will be beautiful.

Labels: personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 2:31 PM 3 comments

You Know You Love Me

Today, I watched eight episodes of Gossip Girl. It's one of those shows that I couldn't seem to keep up with even when I did have cable access, and by the time I felt compelled to start watching episodes again, I didn't have access. In any case, the mood was right and I had a long, empty day stretching in front of me. In watching the episodes, I have realized a few things.

First, Blair, Chuck, and Dan get all the best lines. The best puns, the best snarks. And you would think that the endless plays on the name Chuck Bass would get old, but somehow they amuse me every time.

Second, I am jealous of Blair's appearance of perfection. I'm not sure where it started, but for as long as I can remember, I have wished that I had the kind of self-control and ability to appear perfect in any situation. Because I like scapegoating today, I'll blame the Disney princesses.

Finally, I will always want the bad boy. In my own life, with Project and Hershey, who I chose over Iris and the very nice, attractive, intelligent boy I went on a date with a few weeks ago. And on television. On Gilmore Girls, I begged Rory to leave Dean for Jess - and coveted Logan. On That '70s Show, I adored the relationship between Jackie and Hyde. My short-lived interest in Dawson's Creek - in seventh grade, in my defense - led to a crush on Pacey. And, now, watching Gossip Girl, I'm very much in love with Chuck and Blair.

I would very much like to have a burlesque party, though I have a sinking feeling that it would turn into a grope-fest faster than I could say garter belt. I shall continue to live vicariously through television teenagers. And like it.

Labels: everyday amusements, television

posted by nicalyse @ 11:42 PM 4 comments

Things I Love Thursday

I am digging for the positives in a very long week. I am also realizing that for the last several weeks, TILT has been a struggle. This makes me very sad, for TILT should be the most excellent highlights of a week filled with excellence. Clearly I need something to change.

• Breakfast this morning I planned ahead for this, and it was worth it. Warm croissant, fresh strawberries, and almond-kissed coffee while sitting in the shade on the patio. I read an article about Johnny Depp in the new issue of Vanity Fair - which I'm pretty much in love with, if you couldn't tell - and enjoyed getting my daily does of vitamin D. It's not something that I'll be able to do as it gets hotter, but for now it seems like a lovely idea.

• Books I couldn't love them more. I will never live long enough to read everything that I want to read, but for the moment I am trying to outsmart my lifespan by reading about six books at a time. This is something I used to do when I was younger and my grandma took me to the library every week. I would choose a huge stack of books and start reading every one of them that day, switching from book to book as I felt the urge. I want to live every summer like that forever.

• Clean Laundry is clean. Kitchen was clean for an hour or two. Bedroom floor is mostly clean. It makes everything feel lighter and lovely.

• Yesterday I had the day off and I spent well. I went to the bank. I went to a bookstore that isn't Giant Bookstore in order to get away from the feeling that I had to fix things while I browsed (I still felt the urge to fix things, but resisted). I had a cheeseburger while reading a book in the shade. I went to Starbucks and had a passion tea lemonade while I read a different book. I came home and reveled in the fact that my house was empty by cleaning to very loud Paramore. Read a third book while soaking in the hot tub. Watched 300. Fell asleep reading Vanity Fair. Happy.

• Bits. Pieces. My boss - while things at work are making me homicidal, I genuinely like our store manager and have enjoyed him in the last week; chicken salad; gmail chats with Bradshaw; getting dressed with photographic inspiration; writing; discovering forgotten (cute) items of clothing; cats + laser pointer = extreme amusement; Spark-made damask tote; attempting EFT; Sour Patch Kids; rechargable batteries; Tumblr; slowly regaining my taste for coffee, which has been MIA since I got sick; subscribing to Vanity Fair - it appears a lot because I enjoy it; the kitten who just jumped into my lap; discovering new blogs, even if I did just remember it; accessories in excess; hummus; brave attempts to let it all go.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 2:38 PM 2 comments

Be Proud of Me, Damn It

You, my lovely readers are aware that I'm a slob; I've told you as much. I have a tendency to let things get bad - sometimes very bad - before the mood to clean up strikes me. Sharing space, however, with Roommate makes me more aware of my messes and more likely to clean them without prompting or near-hazmat levels being reached.

For the last week, I have desperately wanted to clean our kitchen. For some reason, however, I have developed a mental block to cleaning unless I am completely alone in the house. I feel like I'm disturbing the other person or that they're judging the way I'm cleaning. Also, I like to listen to music that is very loud and not always appreciated by everyone, and since I haven't been home for an extended, guaranteed length of time in a while, the cleaning wasn't getting done. Bradshaw can attest to the fact that it was driving me crazy since it was one of the seven dozen or so things that I cried about during our conversation Monday night.*

Now, after all of that likely unnecessary exposition, I get to tell you that tonight I got to clean. I lost steam between sweeping the floor and the mopping that needs to be done but hasn't been, but I did a load of dishes, cleaned the stove and countertops, gathered the clutter from the island/table, and swept all the crumbs and detritus from the floor. I also folded Roommate's laundry that was in the dryer, transferred her last load into the dryer, and did one of my own. This is a vast improvement on my usual practice of waiting until I have absolutely nothing to wear and going commando for a week before doing anything about it.

After all of that, I grabbed a trash bag and went after my room. I emptied the trash cans, then set to gathering all of the junk that ends up on my floor: junk mail, Netflix trash, random papers with inconsequential things written on them. Now, I still have a laundry basket and a chair full of things that need to be put away that I have no intention of touching tonight and really need to wash my bedding, but you have to be proud of me for that.

It is amazing to me how much lighter I feel for having done all of these chores. Clean counters and an empty sink and seeing the carpet in my bedroom just makes it all so much lovelier.

Now, after I made you read the play-by-play of my domestic chores - ick - I'm going to tell you about my really idyllic plans for tomorrow morning. I have croissants, fresh strawberries, orange juice, and coffee just begging to be eaten on the patio (which I cleaned up yesterday - trash and junk left from Memorial Day and the many days since) while I read the new Vanity Fair and ponder a shower.

*Oh yes, Monday was a banner day for little Miss Nic. You just got the tiniest taste in Monday's post.

Labels: everyday musings, my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 10:50 PM 3 comments

Here

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 12:01 AM 1 comments

Tearing At My Skin

You know how every once in a while you make a poor sartorial choice and spend an entire day uncomfortably holding in your stomach or worrying about your hemline or fighting static or sweating or covered in goosebumps? And so you spend that entire day just itching to get home and change into something comfortable and familiar and easy? When I woke up this morning, that was how I felt about my skin. And as the day progressed and different events took place, that feeling grew to encompass the way I felt in my house, the way I felt at my workplace, and generally the way that I felt about my life.

Today's only saving grace is the fact that both my dress and my shoes were very comfortable.

Labels: funk

posted by nicalyse @ 7:34 PM 3 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Are you all leaning to the side? (Get it? TILT. I'm not funny.) The things I'm digging on this week include the following:

• Tumblr I gave you a link to my new Tumblr - for which I choose to blame Bizz - and added it to the sidebar, and if you like any of the images that I post or have a thing for lovely quotes, you should take a peek. It gives me the ability to follow the posts of several people and then reblog the beautiful words and images. Basically, it's a collection of things I love. I've always collected quotations - I have two journals full of them - and I recently began collecting beautiful images, so this is all sorts of fun for me. Plus, you know, it's new and shiny, and I'm like a small child or an animal when you give me things that are new and shiny.

• Gossip Girl I haven't watched a new episode in probably eight or nine months, but I can find images and video online and I know how season two ended, so I'm dying to watch. Still, Gossip Girl-centric Tumblrs have given me something to look at and I'm sure I can find the episodes somewhere on the interwebs (suggestions?). In looking at things related to the show, I have developed a girl crush on Leighton Meester, both as herself and as Blair Waldorf. I am a nerd and you can judge all you like, but it makes me happy.

• The Hunger Games Did I write about this last week? In any case, I managed to get my sticky little fingers on the advance proof of the second book in the trilogy - the first of which was incredibly impressive - and devoured it in a night, splitting my time between my bed and the hot tub. The second installment, Catching Fire, will be available on September 1st and is so incredibly worth your time and money to read - even if you think you don't like young adult literature. Please don't let Stephenie Meyer's endorsement deter you!

• Free time While losing a shift this week wasn't necessarily a good thing, it does mean that I get three days off which is really very lovely. Saturday I went on a fruitless search for summer dresses to love. Sunday I went grocery shopping and made Mexican food that I finally finished last night. Yesterday I bought sandals and spent my evening reading. Saturday is my next day off, and while I have no grand plans - yet - just the anticipation makes me smile.

• Ease I'm trying to remind myself that the mind over matter thing really does work for me. If I believe that it will be easy and lovely, it will be easy and lovely. Going to work in two hours to do a job that I do not prefer will be easy and lovely. Working with people who are not necessarily my favorites will be easy and lovely. Waking up to go to work again tomorrow morning will be easy. It's all easy if I just remember to believe that it's so.

• Xs and Os planning a giant salad for dinner; unintentionally teasing my boss about his age, realizing that he was sensitive to it, and continuing mercilessly; cute new sandals; soft focus; eyelashes; listening to Ed Westwick's accent when he does interviews; listening to Paramour very loud while cooking; graphic prints; borrowed sunglasses; fine point ink pens; gmail chats; finally catching up with my wifey; re-embracing the curling iron; underoos with popsicles on them; the smell of cooking Mexican food; kitten purrs; 1959: The Year Everything Changed; Helen Mirren in The Queen; Filthy Shakespeare; employee discount days; no more pants until September (barring unforeseen circumstances); discovering a piece of Ghiradelli white chocolate on my desk right now!

And finally, I adore this scene:

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 2:18 PM 5 comments

List: Because I Want to Post and Cannot Focus

I have the attention span of a hyperactive kitten today. Perhaps because there is a hyperactive kitten in my house. Regardless:

I Want:

• a typewriter and the time to pound things out on it
• a boy in my bed, right now
• to know what will happen in the third book of The Hunger Games
• beer to appear in my fridge
• the desire to eat nothing but fruit
• to stay in and watch the entire second season of Gossip Girl
• the texture of Leighton Meester's hair
• to double my disposable income
• to read in the hot tub (that one I can do!)
• an excellent reason to say yes

For your amusement:

Labels: lists

posted by nicalyse @ 10:16 PM 2 comments

Ought

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 6:32 AM 3 comments

Tumblr

At the insistence of Bizz, I have gotten myself a Tumblr. If you like the images and quotations that I post here, you will find many more there, though with none of my sparkling wit and beautiful personality.

Why do you people like me?

Accidental Ambivalence on Tumblr

Labels: updates

posted by nicalyse @ 2:24 PM 2 comments

I Feel...

...that there are some things that never deserve my sympathy or understanding, and I am willing to be considered closed-minded for that feeling.

...that you are being far more smug than the situation warrants. If you are willing to go to those lengths to get something, that's fine, but don't expect me to fawn all over you for doing something that I would do only if I was desperate.

...that sharing the bed with the felines is far superior to sharing my bed with another human. I don't have to worry about my sleepy-time habits and they're excellent foot warmers.

...that the sensitivity displayed by others is often a sign of weakness. Not that they experience the sensitivity, but that they allow themselves to display it. In many situations, sensitivity is akin to lack-of-backbone, and I cannot tolerate those who can't - or won't - stand up for themselves.

...that passive-aggression is the most ridiculous way to express your displeasure with someone. If you have a problem, say something. If you don't tell me there's a problem - even if I can tell that there is - I am going to behave as if there isn't until you tell me otherwise. You can count on me to give you the same courtesy.

...that people who are bad liars shouldn't try to play stupid. I can see what you're doing and you pretending that I don't see it doesn't make it any less true. Leave the faking to those of us who have the ability to lie believably.

...that lack of adequate caffeination (yeah, I just made up a word) should be an accepted excuse for at least half of the bad behavior one may exhibit on a given morning.

...that sometimes self-destructive impulses reveal themselves in ways that seem innocuous, and that often only the person with the impulse is aware that it is self-destructive. See: my current desire to spend a Tuesday evening at Piano Bar again.

...like curling up all weekend in a comfy chair with one of the dozen or so books that are waiting for me to read them, sipping warm drinks and ignoring the real world.

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 8:18 AM 3 comments

Things I Love Thursday

I feel mean today, but that doesn't mean that there aren't oodles of things that I'm in love with this week. Lets go!

• Being healthy When I wrote last week, I was in the midst of a horrible bout of...something horrible. I never went to the doctor, but the combo of a fever I couldn't shake with a sore throat and abject misery was, well...hideous. I'm still not at total wellness - my right ear is swollen, i.e. potential ear infection - but when I woke up this morning, the sore throat was finally gone! I also managed to spend some time in the hot tub reading last night without spiking a horrible fever that left me in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, so things are looking up!

• Books I love them. This weekend we're having the summer round of employee appreciation days (40%, yo!), so I'm going to break the rule I put in place for myself and buy a few lovely things to get me through the summer. I'm thinking What Would Audrey Do?, Testimony, and something else. Open to suggestions, kittens, because I really should buy something that I haven't already read. Plus spending hours over the last few days working on How to Buy a Love of Reading and the advance read of The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane - reading makes me happy.

• Adopted kittens Last week, I told you about the white fluff ball that was running around our house waiting to be adopted. Well, she decided that the Roommate's boy was her daddy and never looked back. Her purrs sound an awful lot like the white noise machines that people put in their bedrooms to help them sleep, and so her name, Static, came to life. The boy went home and he and Static are settling into a lovely, codependent relationship as I type.

• Winning This is a week old, but it still makes me happy. I love getting my own way.

• Bitching (Thanks, Bradshaw) When the planets align just right, Bradshaw is at work and at her computer at the same time that I am at home and at mine - then we bitch. We complain about anything that is upsetting us, then move on to talk about things that no one but us probably cares about. I like it.

• Oodles and oodles the most phallic-shaped carrots I've ever seen in my life; finally subscribing to Vanity Fair (I will save so much money!); the urge to write; tons of new music; taking quiche to work for breakfast; blended strawberry lemonade; Paris When It Sizzles; remembering pointless conversations that still make me laugh; being smooth all over; driving in the rain; wish fulfillment; multiple opportunities to sleep in; Hercules; working with childrens' books; financial stability, if not a vast fortune; drinking water constantly; sleeping with my legs in odd positions to accommodate sleeping Marilyn; roommates who bring you drugs when you are dying; doing all of my laundry; "Drive" by Incubus; wearing a cashmere cardigan in May; job security; hoping that this will make someone smile.

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 2:35 PM 1 comments

Summer Fantasy

In my fantasy, I see a girl in an ankle-grazing maxi dress made of gauzy, black material and belted at the waist with a silver sash. Metallic sandals adorn her feet and a large green cocktail ring decorates her left hand as she walks the street with a tote bag and oversized sunglasses.

She has made decisions about her summer. She won't be wearing pants until the leaves start to fall from the trees, for the weather gives her no use for them. She is going to eat as much fresh fruit as possible, along with fresh salads and delicious bread. The cocktail that she has chosen to represent the season is a mixture of lemonade and sweet tea vodka, and she intends to eat breakfast outdoors at least one morning each week, nursing the same cup of coffee for hours.

She wishes that she could be a true hedonist, with each of her actions carefully calculated to bring her the maximum amount of pleasure, but she knows that isn't possible. Instead, she is going to follow as many of those hedonistic impulses as she can without turning heads or negatively effecting her life. She's on the lookout for someone who is willing to search for fun with her, but she knows that she doesn't need someone for that.

She will be perfectly content on her own, eating her fruit and hiding behind her sunglasses and sipping her cocktails and reading anything that piques her interest.

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 11:51 PM 2 comments

Dwell

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 5:55 AM 4 comments

"You Look Great Naked"

It's one thing to be comfortable with your body. It's another thing to hear someone compliment your body, particularly when they know that they can't get you into bed. It's quite different when you then hear that the person who complimented you spoke about you to a third party.

I believe this is what's known as validation.

It's also one of the most superficially fabulous feelings I've ever experienced.

Labels: everyday amusements, personal growth

posted by nicalyse @ 7:27 PM 1 comments