Accidental Ambivalence

Conceal

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 1:03 AM 4 comments

The Yellow Birthday

As promised, the update for my birthday. As you saw from Friday's post, I wasn't so much looking forward to my birthday. All of my plans had fallen through and I was feeling rather nasty about things. My original thought had been to do something on Saturday night, but between Bradshaw staying at home, Spark having to work, and my own general bad attitude, those plans went, quite frankly, to shit. Still, I didn't want the evening to be a complete bust, so I went to the restaurant where Roomie trends bar and ordered the amazing tiramisu

The weather was really bizarre here this weekend: Saturday night when I got to the bar, wintry mix was falling from the sky. Add into that the fact that last week was spring break here in College Town, and you get a bar that is inhabited by the bartender (Roomie), her roommate (that's me!), and the guy she's dating (The Boy). Roomie started inventing new mixed drinks and shots and trying them out on The Boy and me, and before I was entirely aware of what was going on I was tipsy and plans had been made to drag me to a different bar to ring in my real birthday. I was already tipsy when we walked to the new bar in the snow.

Roomie, being a bartender, is friends with other bartenders in downtown College Town, and was therefore able to walk up to the bar, say, "it's my roommate's birthday!" and get us drinks that I'm pretty sure we didn't pay for. At midnight, I was given a shot of something that had been on fire to bring in my twenty-third year. At this point I'd been given five shots and at least three mixed drinks, so I was taking it pretty easy, texting and receiving lovely drunk dials from Bradshaw and company. Roomie and The Boy drove my car home while I drunk dialed a birthday makeout from the backseat, gave me leftovers and water when we got to the house, and lit and entire book of matches for me to blow out like candles. I finished the evening by kicking the makeout boy out of my bed and falling asleep to Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Birthday morning I had plans with Spark for breakfast downtown. Scrambled eggs with cilantro and Asiago cheese, hash browns, bacon, wheat toast, and coffee. It was phenomenal. I was also given my first yellow gift, Louella the naturally antibacterial monkey made from bamboo. Spark and I spent some time together, then I went back home for a birthday nap.

When I woke from my nap, Roomie and The Boy presented me with failed yellow gift number two, a lemon cake. They thought it wouldn't finish baking in the improperly sized dish, so they tried to split the batter thirty minutes into the cooking time. Not such a great idea. I blew out candles anyhow, and the edges of the cake were lovely. They disappeared to dinner and returned with a beautiful pot of yellow tulips, gift number three.

I finished my birthday by making dinner plans with my parents for Wednesday night and having coffee with Spark downtown. For a day that I wasn't exactly looking forward to, it turned out to be pretty fantastic. And the credit for that goes to the amazing people around me. Roomie and The Boy, Roomie's sweet and inclusive coworkers (who assisted in getting me fabulously sloshed), the makeout boy, Bradshaw, and Spark. I'm surrounded by some pretty wonderful people.

Labels: alcohol, boys, celebration, photoblog, updates

posted by nicalyse @ 7:32 PM 3 comments

Fuck Fuck Fuck

Today is one of those days. I do not feel positive any more. I do not want to talk about locking my keys in my car in the rain or coworkers who refuse to take a call by shift for someone's birthday or cats in heat with inexplicably swollen lips or rude customers or awful coworkers or canceled plans or starting early or how my birthday is almost certainly going to be a bust.

Just know that it's one of those days and I probably need a hug. Or maybe it would help if I felt like someone gave a rat's ass.*

*This is not to say that someone doesn't, but it certainly doesn't feel like it right now.

Labels: funk

posted by nicalyse @ 11:13 PM 4 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Muahahahaha, another week, more things to love! Including laughing like a monster.

• Exfoliation This seems like a trivial sort of thing, but if your skin was as soft as mine is right now, you would be saying the same thing. I've never had terribly dry or rough skin, but when I went to the mall last week, I picked up two aromatherapy scrubs, one for every day and one for weekly use. I don't know if anyone but me would notice the difference, but I can tell and it's fabulous. It makes me want to put on a floaty dress and prance around in the sunlight (with sunscreen). Or sleep naked between clean sheets. Or rub up against someone. You know.

• Cupcakes Tonight, I baked. Lemon cupcakes with white frosting, decorated with clear sugar sprinkles and lemon drop jelly beans. They are too cute and quite tasty. I might post pictures, but I'm awfully behind on my picture posting lately, so we'll see.

• Astrology I'm in another phase - because we're in the astrological new year, people, and in my sign - and I'm still as completely fascinated as I've been. It's one of those things that I can never fully commit to, because I start to get bored, but I can never completely walk away from it. Right now, I feel very much like I should embrace my playful Aries nature and my willingness to ask for what I want and, well...playfully ask for what I want.

• Lifted weights It wasn't a big thing, not even worth mentioning, but it's all done and it makes me feel good. I cannot think of a single negative thing that is hanging over my head right now, and that feels fantastic.

• Spring Leaving for work yesterday morning, I saw that a cluster of hyacinths has sprung out of the ivy in our front yard. I plucked a single blossom from the stalk and carried it with me to work, demanding that everyone I encountered smell it. It was lovely and it makes me excessively happy.

• This and that fashion blogs that suit my style; documentaries that force you to question your beliefs; aromatherapy room spray to help me sleep; Breakfast at Tiffany's - oh yes, I'm there again; Polyvore - I'm in another phase with it too, and it's addictive; pink toes; babies; naturally antibacterial stuffed animals made from bamboo; batteries; walking a dog; the clothes dryer; greeting card stash; closet discoveries; well-behaved felines; feeling him there; night showers; giving great hugs.

We've all been told that it's polite to share - so share, damn it! Please. Thank you!

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 5:13 AM 2 comments

Curve

Sunday night, I was called into work a music shift at Giant Bookstore. Our store recently had security cameras installed, along with monitors in the managers' office and one back in the music department. For whatever reason, the view on the music monitor is of the person standing behind the register - rather than on a place in the department that someone standing at the register would have trouble seeing, because that would be far too logical - and I found myself watching...myself.

Egocentric, yes, but six hours spent in the slowest part of the store with nothing interesting to look at but myself meant that I spent a good bit of time doing just that; the way that my skirt fell across my hips, my shiny new hair color, the shape of my calves in kitten heels. And even as I attempted to dissect parts of myself, I kept coming back to the same thought: I'm pretty happy with that girl. I am fairly thin, and though I'm not perfect, I like my shape from most angles. My legs are long in proportion to the rest of my body, my waist is narrow, the curve of my back is pronounced in a way that I tend to envy in starlets (who knew my back did that?), and my behind is kind of cute. I even like the pale tone of my skin and the slight flush I could see on my cheeks.

And this, I found myself thinking, is a proper perspective. To be able to overlook the things I don't love as much in favor of the things that are lovely about me. To think that, push to shove, I am attractive. Eventually, I got tired of looking at myself. Then I read the new issue of In Style.

Straight back to reality.

Labels: personal growth, work

posted by nicalyse @ 9:10 PM 2 comments

People Like Me

"You get a little moody sometimes, but I think that's because you like to read. People that like to read are always a little fucked up."

Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 5:33 PM 4 comments

How Nic Spends Her Free Time

Occasionally, when I find myself bored of DVDs and lacking the motivation to get pretty enough to be seen in public, I start trolling around the interwebs looking for amusement. Each Friday, Gala does a carousel of links that she has enjoyed over the week, and often she has some gems, but my taste is a little different than hers. I also don't spend quite as much time finding different things as she seems to; I find a handful of things that I like a lot and then spend hours sorting through them until I reach the end or am sick of it. So, here are a handful of things that have been amusing me over the last couple of weeks.

I Love You More Than Blank is one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Some of the entries are ridiculous, some are clearly inside jokes or anecdotes, and some are simply very sweet.

I adore quotations and pretty pictures, so Finally Seeing is perfect for me. Also in that same vein are I Can Read and What else is there?.

Super Obama World amuses me endlessly. Silly, yes, but good for about ten minutes at a time.

This is Why You're Fat simultaneously grosses me out and fascinates me. It does not, however, make me hungry.

I go through phases with astrology stuff, but I do enjoy knowing where all the planets were when I was born. To find out your own, and get a bit of information, I recommend Astrology Birth Chart. It's simple and straightforward. Also related to astrology, I like Mystic Medusa, who does a bit more than what is normal with planets and such.

I heart some of the fashion blogs (like those in my sidebar), but I never seem to find one that actually has a style like my own or like what I aspire to - until now. Academichic is way too cute and so my style. Three PhD candidates who are also teaching at the college level and give a hoot what they look like. They're adorable and I think I want to be them. Also, one girl is pregnant and her bump is way cute.

Last but not least, something recommended by Spark. I haven't done this yet, but I adore the idea and maybe if I link it myself, that will be the incentive I need to get off my behind and start. Postcrossing is one of the coolest ideas ever. You register, get an address to send a postcard to somewhere in the world, and, from what I can tell, will receive the same in return. I want a postcard!

If you have any links that are totally rocking your world that you think I - or someone else - should know about, add it to the comments!

Labels: everyday amusements, links

posted by nicalyse @ 10:12 PM 5 comments

Spring Happy

For as long as I can remember, I've felt something of an ownership for spring. Probably due to the fact that I was born in late March, and despite my adoration for snow and winter clothes, each time that spring makes its appearance, I feel like at least a little part of it is just for me.

My grandmother had planned flowerbeds and dozens of places were daffodils, lilies, irises, tulips, and things I don't even remember would pop up each year. She always fed the birds and spent hours outdoors, enjoying the sunshine and the dirt and the smell of life in the air. I would spend time with her, perhaps being more trouble than I was worth, but always enjoying her company and the results of her gardening efforts. I didn't grow up in a house where we cut flowers and brought them indoors - they die too soon. Rather, we would go outside and enjoy them while they were alive, pushing their way through the soil and waving in the light breeze.

I love the appearance of spring vegetables and fruits, because even for a fabulously unhealthy eater like me, fruit with breakfast and gorgeous, fresh salads for lunch are incredible. I love fresh scents in the shower and lightweight dresses skimming my body and lovely little sandals that my pedicured toes poke out of. I like going for walks with friends and talking the entire time about absolutely nothing. I like taking Puck outside so that he can eat grass that grew from the ground rather than a pot.

I love falling asleep during a thunderstorm and the way that rain sounds hitting the ground outside my window. I get a weird thrill from the heavy, ominous scent in the air when the conditions begin to appear perfect for tornadoes. As long as it's still warm enough for a skirt and sandals, I like to walk in the rain and listen to the drops hit my umbrella.

I love the pastel colors of Easter and the more vibrant colors of the things that actually occur in nature. I like celebrating my birthday different ways each year, but always with a dinner with my parents. I love that they don't get me birthday cake anymore because they know it isn't my preference. (Usually it's cheesecake; last year, I got dutch cherry pie and it was phenomenal.) I love the scent of lilacs on the bush more than almost any scent in the world. I love sitting outside and eating a sandwich with lemonade and calling it a private picnic.

So tell me: What do you love about spring?

Labels: everyday musings, weather

posted by nicalyse @ 10:39 AM 6 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Mmm, things I love! I'm so full of happy love this week!

• Spring The tree outside my window is blooming, things are getting green, I've spent three straight days hanging out on the porch with the kitties - spring is totally in the air. Today I bought an exfoliating scrub to prepare for showing more skin and browsed some of the spring dresses. Spring also brings my birthday - in just over a week - which means I get at least one day of a free pass to do whatever I like. I have no plans yet, but I foresee at least a couple of drinks and me wearing something painfully cute.

• Cupcakes and parties Spark hosted a St. Pat's party on Saturday night, and it was quite the hit. Friday night we made our cupcakes, which turned out amazingly and got tons of compliments, even though they weren't anything special. (I think people just love cupcakes.) There were many drinks, lots of pictures, and tons of laughs. It felt really good to have fun without expectation weighing me down or feeling like the people around me sucked.

• My hair I got it cut and colored yesterday, as I mentioned, and it makes me incredibly happy. More red than before, especially in the sunlight, and a bit darker. It's lighter and the layers are cleaner and it's just the kind of change that I wanted. Plus, it was less expensive than I had anticipated!

• Positivity I'm not perfect, but I have definitely improved since I started my attempts. I'm more content and I find myself more tolerant of others than I was six months ago. My patience, while still in short supply, is growing. I feel like great things are coming soon.

• Odds and ends clean towels; American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld; Easter candy; sleep masks - shout out to Bizz; steak dinners; Irish beer; cute new underoos; scheduling changes; hilarious pictures; quotations; potato soup; watching the kitties enjoy the outdoors; sleeping without the space heater; smiles that go to your eyes; French toast and bacon; happy coincidences; being able to buy an identical pair of shoes in a child's size for five dollars less; helpful boys; tiny shreds of self-control; impending lilacs; eyeliner; info day; direct deposit tax refund; long lists.

What oh what is ringing your bell this week? (Please note that I said what, not who. Though if who is a good story, I want to know that too.)

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 1:49 AM 6 comments

If It Makes You Happy

Today has, so far, been a day of lovely surprises.

When I got up this morning, my roommate was already at work. I like Roommate, don't misunderstand, but most mornings she is still in bed when I am getting ready for work, and I do my best to be quiet and considerate. Today, I was able to wander through the house half-naked, sing, and leave the bathroom door open when I dried my hair.

Speaking of hair, I got mine cut and colored today. I love love love the color. My stylist, who I learned is the same age as I am, came out into the sun with me to look at it and was very happy. I was then pleasantly surprised to learn that it was $15 cheaper than I had anticipated. Score! I decided to take that extra cash to the mall.

While I'm very fond of Philosophy body wash, I didn't find any at Sephora that made me happy enough, so I ventured down the way to Bath and Body Works...where they were having a sale! I got some body scrub that will be excellent for getting pretty for spring.

I stopped at Taco Bell to get a quesadilla snack, and just as I was pulling out to head home (where I had planned to sit on the porch and eat it with my novel), my dad called. He and my mom were in town and took me out for steak, so not only did I get to see my parents and eat steak, I have leftover steak AND a quesadilla to eat later!

Now I am going to go sit on the porch, and I can only hope that something else surprising and lovely happens before I go to bed.

*Doesn't that photo just make you smile? I adore it.

Labels: everyday amusements

posted by nicalyse @ 6:28 PM 3 comments

Lists: Because Everything I Write is Drivel

Labels: lists

posted by nicalyse @ 9:11 PM 3 comments

Diary

Labels: quotation

posted by nicalyse @ 7:15 AM 5 comments

Torn

There are times when, despite what I know intellectually, I feel the urge to do something that is incredibly bad for me. Not like eating that piece of cheesecake or taking the third tequila shot - something that is bad for me emotionally or spiritually. And what is the worst about these moments is that I'm not sure which part of my psyche is trying to trick me. Is it the emotion, lonely and craving a change? Is it the libido, demanding attention and affection? Or, on a less sinister level, is it my intuition, trying to make me realize that this person is someone who actually should be in my life? Whichever piece of me it is, it's fucking with me in a way that is potentially self-destructive, and I am not a fan.

So when I left Spark's house tonight after baking cupcakes and playing Wii, I ignored the voice that told me to contact him, to be the bigger person and mention that I was going to a party on Saturday night and he was welcome to come if he didn't already have plans. I ignored that voice because, whatever attraction beyond the physical - for I will never deny the physical attraction - that I had begun to carry for Hershey, the fact is that he slept a girl who has herpes, and there is no way that I could trust him physically again. It's a bad idea on so many levels that it's easier to avoid him.

And so I ignore the voice that tells me to invite him to the party or to put myself in a situation where I will be in his way or to ask him if he ever had a chance to read Man in the Dark - I ignore that voice as a means of self-preservation and instead sit here wondering, torn between being proud of myself for having the self-control and berating myself for not finding out for sure and allowing another what if.

*Photo from Finally Seeing - see the sidebar, kittens.

Labels: boys, my insanity

posted by nicalyse @ 2:06 AM 4 comments

Things I Love Thursday

A new week, a new list! On to the things that I love!

• My weekend at home Spending time at home is different than time off here, because I don't sit around doing nothing while feeling like there are things that I could or should go do. There are no shoulds; there is nothing in Small Town that I could do. Therefore, it is free of pressure! I got to eat cheeseburgers, watch Inauguration coverage and teen drama television, hang out with my parents, and just be away. It was lovely, and I'm already looking forward to another round of house-sitting in April.

• That '70s Show I've been watching the first season on DVD, and it never stops amusing me. It also reminds me of when the show first started airing and I completely missed all of the drug references because I was a very good little girl. My body has been feeling stressed a bit lately, so to give my mind a reprieve with something that makes me laugh is excellent.

• Writing Even when it isn't anything cohesive, the physical act of writing is almost cathartic. There are times when I either don't feel like writing or don't have time, but now, I'm enjoying it.

• Sleep I've been exhausted lately, and nothing is lovelier when you're exhausted than curling up in a cozy bed in comfy pajamas and not setting the alarm clock. Today, I woke up at 9:30, put on my sleep mask (thanks, Bizz!), and slept until almost one. It was fabulous.

• Visualization I can see it. I can only hope that it becomes real.

• Wee bits finding gold sugar sprinkles; the new trench coat; storm season!; pink chopsticks; interesting blogs; free cheeseburgers; new books; pretty fingernails; great movies; pinwheels; impending sandal weather; being in the loop; road trips; teen drama; DVR; the future; waking up with a kitty on each side; long showers; closed doors.

Share! I demand it! Or I ask nicely! Whatever will make you do what I want you to do!

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 1:26 AM 4 comments

Belated Considerations

This weekend, I finally had a chance to watch the Inauguration coverage. I worked the day of the festivities, so my mom recorded seven and a half hours of the day, which I watched almost completely on Friday evening and Saturday. I had seen photographs and heard stories from others, so I didn't see anything new or remarkable, but it was the sort of thing that I wanted to see with my own eyes. There were, of course, a handful of trivial things that struck me about the day.

Malia and Sasha Obama are the youngest children in the White House in my generation. Much has been said about Malia documenting these moments with her digital camera, but I think it's incredible. Imagine, in twenty years, when she finally decides that it's time to talk about her own experience in the White House and we get to see these photos published in a book. I feel confident that it's one that I'll buy.

I find myself fascinated with the families that have lived in the White House over the years. I've always been the girl who would imagine herself as First Lady rather than as President - not because I couldn't be president, but who seeks out that kind of pressure? I remember watching the news at some point when Hilary Clinton was doing philanthropy overseas and thinking, even though I was probably only ten or so, about what sort of things would be my platform. Even then, I knew it was literacy and reading.

What would be your issues if you were in a position like that?

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 11:04 PM 1 comments

Reality Check

I have a superficial fantasy. In this fantasy, I leave my house on a rainy evening in a khaki trench coat and brown heels. I end up in a small, imaginary bar with a group of people that I'm very fond of. I spend my evening in a belted dress, wandering among these friends and feeling fantastic. I am sipping something pink and feeling delicately tipsy when we close the bar down, and a very polite young man walks me home - my imaginary home is apparently very close to this imaginary bar. He kisses me on the front porch, standing under the amber light next to a blooming pot of fragrant pink hyacinths.

The young man leaves, because that is what proper young men do, and I go inside and put the bright pink kettle on the stove. While I wait for it to boil, I change into a black silk nightgown and wash my face, smoothing on the last bit of moisturizer just as the kettle whistles. I climb between the sheets - white, and just washed that afternoon - beneath the soft pink down comforter with a floral china cup of peppermint tea and a perfect book.

There are massive flaws with this fantasy. First, I have a roommate, who doesn't seem to exist in the fantasy. The house is adorable and perfect and immaculate, which is the first sign that it can't actually be mine. No man that I know would be gentleman enough to walk me all the way to the door and leave with just a kiss - because I clearly know great guys. I do not own a black silk nightgown, a pink tea kettle, china cups, or a down comforter.

Then, of course, is the fact that I see no room in that fantasy life for an evening spent at home in sweats watching multiple episodes of That 70s Show on DVD and reading Vogue while snuggling with the kitties. Ah, well. Baby steps, right?

Labels: my insanity, television

posted by nicalyse @ 10:07 PM 6 comments

Perspective

I am not an intensely political person, something which can possibly be credited to the generation that I am a part of. My peers and I were born into a Republican America, grew up in a Democratic America, and became aware of the politics in a Republican America that wasn't exactly a positive picture for that party, or, really, for our country on the whole. Leading up to the election in 2004, I was excited that I was finally able to participate in the process that shapes much of our country. I was an idealistic freshman in college and I thought it would be amazing.

Then I realized that everyone's votes aren't equal. In my mind, when your state's electoral votes don't match your own, your vote was essentially worthless.* As I watched the situation in our country change, my political opinions became a bit jaded. I allowed myself to fall into a state of hostile apathy: I was hostile when things affected me directly, like gas prices, and apathetic the rest of the time.

As the 2008 election heated up, I was excited. Change is a word that is quickly becoming a cliché, but I felt like I could be part of a change that was desperately needed. I watched all of the presidential debates. I lamented the lack of alcohol in my parents' house as I watched the VP debates. I watched The Daily Show and The Colbert Report faithfully, I checked news websites, I engaged in political conversations at work.

All of this to explain why I want to both roll my eyes at Meghan McCain and pat her on the back. She's been writing for The Daily Beast (see the sidebar, kittens), and her column on post-election dating irritated me. Her most recent post, however, is about her distaste for Ann Coulter. I completely agree with everything she says, which I think is a very tidy example of how people with differing political views can find a happy middle ground.

I really rambled a lot to post a couple of links, didn't I? Read them anyhow, because they're quick and you like me.

*This is completely my opinion on the flaws of the electoral college, which I would be more than happy to spell out for you if you'd like

Labels: everyday musings, rambling

posted by nicalyse @ 10:34 PM 6 comments

Take the Things You Like; Love the Things You Took

We're aware, by now, that trips back to Small Town tend to make me nostalgic. Holidays usually offer a reprieve from this, simply because I am busy and have other things on my mind. It's the trips home where there are no grand plans (beyond doing as little as possible and eating cheeseburgers) when I really begin to think, to remember, to wallow.

It was almost six months ago when I last had one of those trips home, back in September. That monotony was broken up by a bit of back and forth to Kansas City, but there were plenty of moments to wander through Grandma's house and miss her. There was time to drive along all of those old back roads and to simply remember what was and to think about what might have been. It's a melancholy sort of thing that I was, apparently, content to splash around in.

It always made going home bittersweet. But this time...it wasn't so difficult. I remember the exact way that it felt the day that Iris died. The simultaneous sharpness in my heart with the unimaginable space that was leftover; it was a combination of what was lost and losing what might have been, all smushed together with the thought that I may never have done anything. I may never have told him how I felt, because until I lost him, it was still muddled. His death brought it into incredibly sharp focus, the kind of focus I may - probably - never would have had without it.

I've been living with the empty space for three years. The sharpness only comes at certain moments, but it's still there. In the six months since that last trip home, I've managed to fill some of that space. Not with someone or something else. Wait, there is someone else. There's me. I'm filling the hole in myself with myself, and it feels wonderful. I don't find myself falling into that sadness nearly as often - though it of course still there - and the sharpness is less frequent and somewhat less intense.

I feel better. I'm happier, and I don't feel like I'm so far from figuring out who I am and what I want. In fact, I think I actually know.

Labels: personal growth, Small Town

posted by nicalyse @ 7:55 PM 3 comments

Things I Love Thursday

Happy Thursday! We don't need an intro, right?

• Bradshaw weekend I may have been sick by the time it was over, but I don't think that was her fault. Dinner at B Dubs that made me laugh so hard my abs hurt, excellent cupcakes, an evening at a fun bar, lunch with people I never get to see, painting strangers' naked stomachs, and falling asleep to Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - it was a pretty fantastic weekend, altogether.

• Growth I can't say that my action plan is completely on track, but I think that's okay. I'm still feeling more positive than I was three weeks ago, and I'm definitely still working on the patience thing. I'm still reading things that make me feel better about myself, and I'm still doing and trying things that make me happy. Baby steps, yes, but at least they're steps.

• A weekend in Small Town I haven't been back home since the day after Christmas, and after a while a girl starts to miss the little things. I'm looking forward to a cheeseburger and spending a day in the quiet and being able to just be. All of those sorts of things that you never seem to be able to do unless you're back at home.

• An excuse to stay in bed Let's be honest, sometimes we just want to curl up under the covers and do a whole lot of nothing. Well, I called in sick on Monday and did just that, and even though I wasn't feeling the best, it was nice to know that I was neglecting responsibilities for a valid reason and that no one would hold it against me. And now I feel almost 100%!

• Lists Of books to read, recipes to try, outfits to put together, things to do with my tax return, movies to add to the Netflix queue, people who love me, small things to buy, people to remind they're beautiful, blogs I love, tweets that make me smile. Lists of lists are pretty good too.

• Honorable mentions Waking up to a white world; fresh dry erase calendars; passion tea lemonade; Slumdog Millionaire; Regina Spektor; cashmere sweaters and trench coats on massive clearance; possibility; positive visualization; an empty house; sharing the comforter with Marilyn Monroe; mixing paint like a pro; excellent customers; Vitamin Water; sugar/caffeine highs; maintaining my delusions; tomato soup; excellent book anticipation; cracking myself up; hugs; feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Let's try listing three things again, huh kittens? Just three! It's easy!

Labels: TILT

posted by nicalyse @ 7:38 PM 6 comments

Facets

Last night, despite the remnants of the head cold that makes me whine and behave as if I'm dying, I went to sit in Starbucks and read. While I was sitting there, my mind wandered. I've always wanted to be that girl who was raised to be very controlled when she expressed herself. There is an appropriate time and place for each emotion and set of behaviors, and to be the kind of person who recognized those and always behaved appropriately is what I often find myself striving for. Of course, not having been raised from birth as someone who recognized this and with no far-reaching consequences if I do not behave perfectly, I'm not as accomplished as I'd like.

I want to be the girl who can carefully arrange her face in any expression, no matter how she feels inside. I want to know exactly what to say in each moment, the exact intonation that will best make the point or maintain the mood that is being conveyed. I often find myself liking characters in books and films who are capable of this; I find myself putting them in my own writing. Instead, I find myself analyzing my behavior in different situations.

At work, I am fairly open. I don't censor my opinions, and when speaking to coworkers, I don't often censor my language. I am confident with myself and my knowledge, and I carry myself in a way that reflects that. I am required to dress well, though I would even if it wasn't required, and that makes me feel more in control of the situation. I find myself able to joke and laugh openly, to be close with different coworkers, to speak as an equal to those who are technically my superiors (I don't truly believe that anyone is superior to me, and I treat everyone in my life with an equal level of respect). I am genuine and comfortable and steady.

The true test of personality, I believe, is being put in situations that aren't entirely comfortable. I will behave in one of two ways, I have learned: either as a meeker, watered-down version of myself, or as a brighter, more exaggerated version. You can always be certain that you are seeing some true facet of my personality. In situations in which I feel like I am trying to prove myself, I tend to be brighter. I am an observer, so I often become quiet, speaking when spoken to or only when I have something that truly contributes to the conversation. By observing, I can figure out the best way to converse with new people - or if I would rather not converse with them.

I am not incapable of acting like someone else, I am simply disinclined. I come from the school that prefers to be disliked for my true self than liked for putting on a very effective act. And yes, I do lie. I occasionally exaggerate; I often downplay. I will give a simple answer even when the truest version is a more extensive version. I will omit information to avoid conflict; I will bring up information to encourage an argument.

Once, I was struck by the realization that I was not entirely happy with the situation that I was in, and that I had become rather sullen because of it. Because she is someone who knows me well and has seen my in a variety of situations, I texted Bradshaw and asked her if I was the girl who brings down the entire group because she wasn't having the fun that she wanted. She told me that rather than bringing down those around me, I tended to simply become quiet and keep to myself. I think I prefer it that way.

Of course, when I'm angry, all bets are off. Sometimes, I find it appropriate to drag down everyone; other times, I just want the person who pissed me off to be just as angry. And I can make it happen. I'm really quite evil deep down inside.

What are your thoughts on the subject, either about your own personality or, if you like, mine? Is there a particular social situation in which you are very uncomfortable? Are you a big fat liar like me? Share: it's the polite thing to do.

Labels: everyday musings

posted by nicalyse @ 6:52 PM 1 comments

PhotoBlog: Friday to Monday

Labels: photoblog

posted by nicalyse @ 5:24 PM 6 comments

I Am Not Sick

I am not sneezing excessively. There is not a ton of icky stuff clogging up my head and making my eyes feel half-a-size too big for their sockets. I am not (allegedly) slightly feverish with clammy skin. I am not so pale that even when wearing twice as much blush as usual, I look pale. I am not sniffling. I am not having any trouble tasting the food that I eat.

And so, because of all that, I am not going to spend the rest of my night curled up under a sheet, comforter, quilt, fleece blanket, and feline foot warmer sipping tea. I am not going to read while I wait for the NyQuil to start kicking in, and I am not going to watch a cheesy movie once I get to the point that written words lose their meaning. I am not thinking in the back of my mind that tomorrow I may call in sick to work after a night of strange heartbeats and lucid dreams.

I am not sick.

Labels: updates

posted by nicalyse @ 11:29 PM 5 comments